Shacks Joke Pad
***WARNING*** As the title states this is my Joke Pad. It contains jokes I have collected over the years from all different sources. This blog is for the open minded who dont take offence. If you are offended easily please look else where. This blog is not politically or morally correct it's just me having a laugh and hoping you have a laugh as well. ANY PICTURES OR JOKES YOU'D LIKE TO SHARE PLEASE SEND THEM TO- email@example.com
Sunday, April 30, 2006
Porky the Dog
A beautiful blonde, sweet-faced , five year old little girl was sitting on a park seat with her little brown spaniel dog.
The local vicar was passing by and he said "Hello my dear, and what is your name?"
"It's Petal" she replied shyly. "Oh what a lovely name ! " said the vicar, "Do you know why you were called Petal?"
"Yes",she said,"Just after I was born I was laying on a blanket under our cherry tree and blossom petal fell on my head, so they called me Petal"
"What a lovely story" said the Vicar, "And what do you call your little dog ?"
"Porky",she replied."And I expect there is a story attached to his name as well ", said the Vicar.
"Yes " she smiled and said," He shags pigs !!"
Man in a Pub
A man wearing just a hospital gown and carrying a drip connected to his arm walks into a pub, goes up to the bar and says to the barman... " I’ll have 2 pints of lager and 4 whisky chasers please "
The barman sorts out the man's drinks and lines them up on the bar whereupon the man downs the 4 whiskeys and two pints in quick succession.
The barman stares on, astounded. The man looks at the astonished barman and says..." To be honest, I shouldn't really be drinking with what I’ve got "
"And what have you got ?” enquires the barman. "Sixty seven pence" the man replies.
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”
She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?” John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
Saturday, April 29, 2006
Friday, April 28, 2006
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Story From Chris
Hi Shacks (and everyone else),
This isn’t a joke but made my cry laughing last night.
I was sat down watching the news with my wife (Deborah) and an item came on about an outbreak of bird flu at a poultry farm in Norfolk.
Sitting there, taking it in, my wife shook her head in horror when the reporter said the entire flock may have to be destroyed.
She then turned to me and said “Isn’t this aviation flu is awful?”
Surprisingly enough she’s not blond!
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Only In Britain
Only in Britain...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain...do Supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, And a DIET coke.
Only in Britain...do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Britain...do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and put our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Britain...do we buy hot dogs in packs of ten and buns in packs of eight.
Only in Britain...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in Britain...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up.
One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment; chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"
The young man replies. "No problem, just get that f**king lion out of the way."
A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, f**k off!! Or you'll answer to me!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago."
Monday, April 24, 2006
A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress and two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table, turned to look at her.
"Kin ya swaller?" asked Kenzie. The woman signaled 'No!', desperately shaking her head. "Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian. The woman shook her head No!!!
With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her arse.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flewout of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer. Brian said in admiration "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody HindLick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it."
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends..
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Friday, April 21, 2006
Thursday, April 20, 2006
An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She is chatting with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of sudden she hears the most awful blood-curdling screams."Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "It's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams. "Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what is happening?""Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off down to hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Yes," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that".
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor.
He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response the doctor said, "when you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself".
On the way home the man went to the sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked.
He's so horney and keen to try out his new "system" that he doesn't think twice and leaps on board. After a few minutes slap and tickle they find themselves in the '69'position.
Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come. Following doctor's orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedroom table and fires it.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Just great, asshole...when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbour came out of the Closet naked with his hands in the air!"
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Another Blonde Joke
A blonde teenage girl comes home from high school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me... babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"
"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up, and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then when I have a baby," responded the blonde teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact.
"Mary. Mary. ..""Is that you, John?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, John you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."
In a recent survey into blow jobs, and why men like them so much,
6% liked the feeling,
12% liked the excitement
82% just liked the utter silence.
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Englishman, Australian & Frenchman
An Englishman,Australian and a Frenchman were all shipwrecked on a desert island whilst wandering on the beach they found a strange bottle when the Australian picked it up a huge genie popped out and said i would normally grant 3 wishes but since there are 3 of you I will give you one each.
He asks the Australian what is your wish
I am a cattle man from the outback and love my country and wish for it to be forever fertile the genie said it is done.
He then asks the Frenchman what is your wish I love my country and I don't want to share it with anyone else please build a wall around France to keep everyone out except Frenchmen. The genie said it is done
He then asks the Englishman what is your wish he thinks for a little while and says I am quite content and cannot really think of anything I need however this wall how big is it the genie replies it is 150 foot tall and 50 foot thick
Aha said the Englishman now I know what my wish will be. What is that said the genie
The Englishman replied with a smile " fill it with water"
Saturday, April 15, 2006
An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for the last two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the man tells them:"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life".
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account.
If it's twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him ...
"You screw her again."
Thursday, April 13, 2006
A little guy goes into a toilet, looks around and sees this great big guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 16½ stone , 14 inch penis, testicles 2lbs, Turner Brown."
The small guy just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him.
He asks "Are you OK?" In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?"
The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 16½ stone., have a 14 inch penis, my testicles weigh 2 lbs., and my name is Turner Brown.
"The small guy says, "Thank God!!! I thought you said 'Turn Around'
Man comes home and says to his wife "Honey I've bought some olympic coloured condoms, and tonight Im going to go for the gold "
To which wife quickly replies " why not try the silver and see if you can come second for a change"
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug? The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss? The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been f*cked?"
The fellow said "No"She said "You will be when the tide comes in."
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.
Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
A dietician was addressing a large audience in Chicago:
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous to some and none of us realize the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it."
"Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief andsuffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake!"
There's an Italian, Frenchman & an Irishman
There's an Italian, a Frenchman and an Irishman:
The Italian says, "When I have a-finished makina love with my girl-a-friend, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees. She floatsa 6 inches abova da bed in ecstasy".
The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick ze soles of her feet with mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy".
The Irishman says, "Dat's nottin'. When Oi've finished shaggin' me bird, Iget out of da bed, walk over to d'window and wipe me knob on the curtain.
She hits the f*ckin' roof.
Monday, April 10, 2006
One For The English
Two kids are playing football in a park in Manchester. Suddenly one of them is attacked by a Rottweiler which clamps its mouth around the kid's neck. The other kid, seeing the danger his pal is in, picks up one of the sticks they were using as a goal post, puts it through the dog's collar, and using all his strength twists it until the dog's neck breaks and his friend is saved.
This is all seen by a local newspaper reporter who sees a possiblenational headline in the incident, and goes over to the kids."That was really heroic" he says "I can see it now 'Heroic United fan risks life to save best friend'"
"But I don't follow United" says the kid.
"Ok, how about 'Super City Kid fights off rabid rottweiller to save his pal'"
"But I don't follow City either" says the kid
"Well who do you support" asks the reporter
"Liverpool" he says
"Even better" says the reporter "SCOUSE BASTARD murders family pet"
A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for Christmas dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.
The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrriiip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!"
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind that you should know five things:
1- The bartender is a blonde girl.
2- The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3- I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt inkarate.
4- The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professionalweight lifter.
5- The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professionalwrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,"Nah f*ck that.Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
Saturday, April 08, 2006
A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. She>stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut.
The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too."
Old ones are the Best
The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a thin and crusty supreme.
They sent me Diana Ross.
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lived for ten more years, and then dies peacefully. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end ofthe ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch f*cking the wall!"
The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed, when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache".
"Perfect," her husband said.
"I was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!!!
Bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the Police.
The police officer approaches him and asks: "Have you been drinking Sir?".
"Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly?"
"No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly.
It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious
Thursday, April 06, 2006
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."
O'Malley was shocked, but managed to compose himself and walked into the waiting room, where his son had been waiting. "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things aren't well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more pints. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told his friends they were drinking to his impending end.
"I have been diagnosed with AIDS". The friends gave O'Malley their condolences and they had a few more pints.
After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."
O'Malley said, "Correct. I don't want any of them sleeping with your Mother after I'm gone."
An old retired sailor puts on his uniform on and heads for the docks once more for ole times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy of his age.
Needing some reassurance he asks, "how am i doing?" The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor you!re doing about 3 knots!""3 knots?" he asks "Whats that supposed to mean?"
She says "Your knot hard,your knot in and your knot gettin your money back."
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
A train hits a busload of Catholic schoolgirls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line.
St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it."
A Texan is drinking in a New York bar when, he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife has produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks, like I said, my boy's a Typical Texas baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!" One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had'm circumcised!"
While I was driving down the A38 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been), I passed under a bridge only to see the police on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.
The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk asked: "Runway too short?? To which I replied, "I'm late for work."
To which he asked, "What do you do?"
I responded, "I'm a rectum stretcher" The copper was surprised and confused. "A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work to one side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."
Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"
To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge ...
"Speeding ticket: £60.00
Penalty Points: 3
Court costs: £30
Look on copper's face:Priceless.
There are some things money can't buy
I was due for an appointment with the gynaecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am.
I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.
So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in 'that area' to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.
I was a little surprised when the doctor said,"My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?"I didn't respond.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal ... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.
After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom,."Mommy, where's my washcloth?"I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."
A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit-bull on a leash. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog. "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file. Whose funeral is it?"
"The man replied, "Well, the first hearse is for my wife"
"What happened to her?" The man replied " My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The man answered "My Mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Join the queue"
Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs,get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes Up, and yells at me for staying out so late."
His friend looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep! Works Every Time!!
A teacher asks the class to use sentences using the word CONTAGIOUS !
Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious"
"Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious"
"Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else"?
Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a toothbrush and my Dad says it will take the contagious".
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
A gay cowboy goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says "Sir, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have HIV."
The cowboy is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
Doc says "Eat one sausage, one head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, ten Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of All Bran cereal, and top it off with a litre of prune juice."
The cowboy asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?" Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your arse is for."
Mrs. Ward goes to the doctor's office to collect her husband's test results.
The lab tech says to her, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but there has been a big mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's.
Frankly, it is either bad or terrible.""What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked. "Well, one has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband."
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
3 Old Ladies
3 old ladies, Ethel, Marge and Bessie where sitting on a park bench.
Just then a flasher runs up to them, opens his coat and exposes himself to the 3 old ladies.
Immediatley Ethel has a stroke, Marge has a stroke also. But Bessie being feeble and weak couldn't reach that far.
Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm, his wife is lying in bed reading.
Man says "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache"
Wife replies "I think you will find, that is a sheep"
Man replies "I think you will find I was talking to the sheep".
Little Billy returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks his father.
"The teacher asked, 'how much is 2x3' I said 6" replied Billy
"But that's right!" says dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me,'how much is 3x2'?"
"What's the fu*king difference?" asked dad "That's what I said!" said Billy.
Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a deep breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she cant stand it anymore and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department. She states she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Personnel Supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "what is sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you that your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies "It's Keith the midget".
Little Old man
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered an banana split.
The waitress asked kindly "Crushed nuts?"
"No" he replied "Arthritis".
Twinkle twinkle little knob,
How she likes it in her gob,
When she feels that certain twitch,
She pulls it out the spiteful bitch.
Man From Peru
There once was a man from Peru,
Who fell asleep in a canoe,
While dreaming of Venus,
He played with his penis,
And woke up all covered in goo.
A man is teaching his son Jim the ropes of the family business.
"Watch me deal with this man" he says.
The customer requests a packet of grass seed. The dad asks if he also wants a lawn mower, "these seeds grow very fast" he explains. The man ends up spending £180.
Then Jim tries this technique. "Can I have a packet of Tampax" a male customer asks.
"Would you like a lawn mower with that?" Jim replies.
"Er...why?" asks the man.
"Well sir" Jim says, "It doesn't look like you will be doing anything else this weekend, so why not cut the grass?"
Maiden Named Jill
A sexy young maiden named Jill,
Tried a dynamite stick for a thrill,
They found her vagina,
In North Carolina,
And bits of her tits in Brazil.
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who bought a pig just to f**k it,
The pig said your queer,
Get away from my rear,
Come round to the front and I'll suck it.
Two engineering students were walking across the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes" and said "Take what you want!"
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit".
Little Old Lady
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good Morning" said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners".
"F**k Off" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said "Not until you have seen the demonstration". And with that he emptied a bucket of horse manure all over her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder".
"Well" she said, "I hope you've got a f**king good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning".
Near Death Experience
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had near death experience and, on seeing God asked. "Is my time up?" God said "No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live".
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in hospital and have a facelift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had somebody change her hair colour, since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation she was released from hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was run over and killed by a speeding truck. Arriving in front of God, she demanded "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the truck?"
God replied "Bloody Hell, I didn't recognize you!"
Girlie Night Out
Two women are walking home after a girlie night out. They are very drunk and as the walk home is taking some time due to their state, they find themselves desperate for a pee. At this moment they are passing a church and decide to relieve themselves behind the headstones in the graveyard.
As they finish taking a leak they both realize they have nothing to wipe themselves with, so the first women decides to use her panties and throw them away.
The second women is wearing very expensive underwear and is reluctant to lose them, but she then notices a new grave nearby with lots of new fresh flowers. 'Just the job' she decides and without another thought duly pulls the bouquet over and uses the ribbon to dry herself. Their task completed the women continue staggering home.
Next morning, the husband of the first woman phones the husband of the second. "we need to keep an eye on our wives. Mine came home with no panties on last night".
"You think you've got problems" exclaims the second husband "My wife came home with a card stuck up her arse that said.
We'll never forget you- From all the lads at the fire station".
An old man goes to the wizard to ask him if he can remove a "curse" he has been living with for 40 years.
The wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you".
The old man syays without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife".
A man picks up a young woman in a bar and persuades her to come back to his hotel.
When they are relaxing after they have made love. He asks "Am I the first man you ever made love to?"
She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying.
"You might be" she sys "your face is familiar".
Monday, April 03, 2006
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request dear!" he said
"Of course, John" his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob?" she said.
With his last breath John said,"I do".
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: " I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader and a great family man".
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives".
Don said: "I'd like them to say, F**k Me he's moving"
A man is walking up to the house when he notices his Grandfather sat on the porch in his rocking chair naked from the waist down.
"Grandpa what are you doing?" he asked.
His Granfather replied "well last week I sat here with no shirt on and got a stiff neck, this is your Grandma's idea".
An husband and wife have a massive quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband said, "When you die I'm getting you an headstone that reads here lies my wife as cold as ever"
"Yeah" replies the wife "when you die I'll get one thats say's here lies my husband STIFF at last".
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years and every time they made love the husband insisted the light was switched off.
After 20 years the wife thought this was pathetic so one night when they where in the middle of a screaming sex session she switched on the light.
She looked down and saw her husband using a penis shaped vibrator on her, "you impotent bastard" she screamed. "How could you be lying to me all these years? you better explain yourself ?"
The husband look at the wife straight in the eyes and said "You'd better explain the kids then?"
A women who has been in a coma for 2 years, was having a bed bath and everytime the nurse washed her vagina she noticed a twitching on the women's face.
The nurse called the doctor over and showed him what happened everytime she washed the women's vagina. This gave the doctor an idea, he called the women's husband and explained the response they were getting everytime her vagina was washed. The doctor suggested to the husband that he should have oral sex with his wife to see if it would bring her out of her coma.
The husband agreed and in the privacy of the side ward had oral sex with his wife. After about five minutes the alarm triggered and the wife flat-lined and died.
The doctor rushed in and asked "What Happened?"
The husband replied "I think she choked!"