Honeymoon

Husband and wife in bed together.

She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.

She: "Oh, that feels good."

His hand moves to her breast.

She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."

His hand moves to her leg.

She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."

But he stops.

She: "Why did you stop?"

He: "I found the remote."

Two Blondes

Two blondes go up in a bi-plane and one says the other, “If it turns upside down will we fall out?”

The other blonde replies “Don't be silly you daft cow - we have been best friend's for years!!”

Weight-Watchers

A lesbian joins weight-watchers.

Teachers says to her “you are what you eat "

Lesbian replies “ You calling me a cunt?”

Living Will

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,

"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.


She's Such A Bitch......

Bond

A bloke walks up to a girl in a night club and says “Hi, my names Bond” !

She says rolling her eyes, “don't tell me its James isn’t it'”?

He says “no its UNI – I’m here to fill your crack” !!!!

Two Priests

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."

The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."

Little Old Lady

Defense Attorney:Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?Little Old Lady:There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:Why not?
Little Old Lady:It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:What happened next?
Little Old Lady:He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:Why not?
Little Old Lady:His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that goodin years!

Defense Attorney:What happened next?
Little Old Lady:Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him"Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney:Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the fucking little bastard.

Two Fleas

Two fleas on a minge, one’s a burglar and one’s a junkie! How do you tell them apart?

The burglar is hiding in the bush and the junkie is sniffing the crack.

Mick & Pat

Two Irishmen are making letter bombs!

Pat says “Mick do you think I’ve put enough explosives in this envelope?”

“Don’t know” says Mick “open it and see!”

“But it will explode” replies Pat

Mick says “Don’t be fucking stupid it’s not addressed to you!!”