Sex

What should a woman say to a man she’s just had sex with?

Whatever she wants. He’s sleeping.

In-Laws

What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws??

Outlaws are wanted!!

Careful

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

“Careful, Put in some more butter, Oh my god you’re cooking too many at once. Too many, turn them, turn them” He yelled.

“CAREFUL, they are going to stick to the pan, MORE butter More butter. You never listen to me when your cooking…. Hurry turn them, turn them…… Add some salt come on add the bloody salt” he ordered.

The wife stared at him “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to cook a couple of eggs?”

The husband replied “I wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving!”

Dating

What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman??

You can drop her off anywhere..

Herman

Fifty one years ago, Herman James a North Carolina mountain man was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training the army issued him a comb. That afternoon the army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked 7 of his teeth.

On the third day the Army issued him a jock strap. The army has been looking for Herman for ……………….. 51 years now!.

Mother Superior

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them “I must tell you all something, we have a case of gonorrhea in the convent!”

“Thank God!” said an elderly nun at the back, “I’m so tired of chardonnay!”

Revenge

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blowout of our air holes at the same time; and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink; They tried it, and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon, however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reachthe shore."

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him."Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."