Shacks Joke Pad

***WARNING*** As the title states this is my Joke Pad. It contains jokes I have collected over the years from all different sources. This blog is for the open minded who dont take offence. If you are offended easily please look else where. This blog is not politically or morally correct it's just me having a laugh and hoping you have a laugh as well. ANY PICTURES OR JOKES YOU'D LIKE TO SHARE PLEASE SEND THEM TO- shacks247@ntlworld.com

Sunday, March 29, 2009


Honey Loops

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first Year schoolchildren, using a bowl of Fruit Loops, the cereal with the Hole in it.

He gave all the children the same kind of loop, one at a time, and Asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.
The children began To say:
'Red............cherry,'
'Yellow.........lemon,'
'Green..........lime, '
'Orange ........orange.'

Finally the professor gave them all 'honey' loops. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could Identify the taste.

'Well,' he said 'I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may Sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled: 'Oh My God!!!! They're arse-holes !!'

Blondes

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Men never learn.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

You Cant Fix Stupid

video

Women are Stupid??

Taffy, Jock & Paddy are chatting.

Taffy says, "Women are so stupid, my wife has just bought a car and she can't even drive!"

Jock says, "Thats nothing my wife is on a diet and she is not even fat!"

Paddy says "Thats fuck all, My wife taken 30 condoms to Benidorm and she hasn't even got a cock!"

Sperm

Two sperms swimming together, one say's to the other "is it far to the ovaries?"

The other say's "fucking miles we are only just past the tonsils!"

In a recent survey 6 out 7 dwarves said they were not happy.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Toothbrush

After 37 years of marriage my missus still gets upset if I use her toothbrush.

If you know a better way to get dog shit out of trainers, I’m all ears……

Thai Bribe

Bloke lying in bed after sex with his new Thai wife.

She keeps stroking his penis.

He says “Do you like my penis that much?”

She says “No I just miss mine!”

Friday, March 06, 2009

Pancakes


Golf

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.The ball hit one of the men.He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken."

Aircraft Fuel

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Melbourne.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.You wanna try it?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!Then the phone rings. It's Jim.

Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'

Jim says, 'I feel great, too... You don't have a hangover?'

Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.''
"Yeah, well there's just one thing.''

"What's that?''

"Have you farted yet?''

"No.''

"Well, DON'T, ' cause I'm in Perth.'

Monday, March 02, 2009

Wedding Night

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.

She undresses & lies on the bed spread-eagled & says 'You know what I want don't you?'

'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'

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