Shacks Joke Pad
***WARNING*** As the title states this is my Joke Pad. It contains jokes I have collected over the years from all different sources. This blog is for the open minded who dont take offence. If you are offended easily please look else where. This blog is not politically or morally correct it's just me having a laugh and hoping you have a laugh as well. ANY PICTURES OR JOKES YOU'D LIKE TO SHARE PLEASE SEND THEM TO- firstname.lastname@example.org
Friday, June 30, 2006
At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouse bloke - 6ft 5in tall and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him.
After 3 or 4 beers, the queer fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian.Leaning over, he cups his huge ear: "Do you want a blow job?" he whispers.
At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened.
Amazed the bartender quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that" he says. "Just what did he say to you?"
"I'm not sure" the big scouser replies. "Something about a job."
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet pyfon weally gives a thit."
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him. Both are even after the first couple of holes.
The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"
The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet, but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.
The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money.
The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."
Two friends meet up in a wine bar and begin talking,
"You know what Angie I think I am going to go to that Transform surgery place in the high street and have my boobs enlarged two cup sizes"
Really says Angie I went there yesterday for my arsehole bleaching"
Well said Connie "I never thought your hubbie would suit blonde hair!!!"
Saturday, June 24, 2006
An Essex guy goes into the travel agents and said, "I reckon it's time for another holiday. But this year I wanna do things a little different. For the last few years, I took your advice. Two years ago you told me to go to Ibiza. I did and my wife got pregnant. Last year, you told me to go to Majorca. I did and nine months later my wife had another baby."
The travel agent asked, "Are you saying you would rather go to somewhere colder this year?"
"NO," the Essex guy said. "I'm saying this year I'm taking my wife with me."
Chicken or the Egg
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, “Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"
Thursday, June 22, 2006
A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £20, as long as you can say it in three words."
The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays 2 tens on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."
An old couple are sitting in church ; during a service she whispers "I've just done a silent fart what should i do? "
He says "put your bloody battery in your hearing aid"
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling." Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called bunk beds! -- and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you!!"
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there were only 3 survivors: Damian, Darren and Deirdre.
They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do. After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.
It was very tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and, after a while nature once more took its inevitable course. Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
So............................. They buried her.
A queer went into a casualty department with a vibrator stuck up his arse, and the nurse said when she finally stopped laughing, " I suppose you want me to take that out!"
To which he replied,"No, I want you to change the batteries".
A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh Shit, it's started."
Monday, June 19, 2006
An Irish woman "of a certain age", visited her physician to ask for help in reviving her husband's sex drive.
"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor?
"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."
"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later when she rang up the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! 'Twas horrid. Just terrible, Doctor.""Really? What happened?" asked the doctor."Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, didn't I? The effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you!"
"Why so terrible?", asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex was not good?"
"No, no, no, Doctor. The sex was fine. Indeed, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years. But I'll never be able to show me face in Pizzahut again!"
In a train carriage there were an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady.
After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.
(1) The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face"
(2) The fat lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him".
(3) The Frenchman thought - "That f-cking Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".
(4) The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that French twat again".
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Bert & Mabel
Bert and Mabel were a week away from their wedding day. Bert was beginning to get major stirrings so he decided to chance his arm. "Er, Mabel, as it is only a week to the big day, how's about a quick screw?" said Bert.
Mabel's answer as expected was, "No Bert, it's only 6 days to go, however you can have a look at your prize." The next night Bert again pesters Mabel. Being an understanding sort, Mabel gives in and says, "It is still 5 days to go and as you've been a good fellow, I'll let you have a little feel of your prize."
It only makes matters worse for Bert and by the next night he can hardly contain himself. Seeing his obvious predicament Mabel greets Bert and whispers in his ear, "I can see what your problem is but you've still got 4 days to go. I will however let you have a good sniff of your prize."
Not being bashful, Bert lifts Mabel's skirts and sniffs. After a minute he comes up for air, "Mabel, do you think it will keep 'till Saturday?!?"
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN! Use big people words."
She then asked Ron what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Ron thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the SHIT."
Friday, June 16, 2006
Camel & Elephant
An elephant asks a camel "why are your tit's on your back?"
"Thats a strange question from someone with a prick for a nose!" replies the camel.
A new young officer was assigned to a unit in a remote part of the Afghan desert. During his first inspection of the unit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asked the experienced old Sergeant why the camel was kept there. The Sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 50 men here in this unit and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges". That's why we have Molly The Camel."
The eager young officer said, "I can't say that I condone such behaviour, but I do understand the men will have "urges", so OK, the camel can stay." Not long after, the young officer started having his own "urges". Crazy with passion, he ordered the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. He put a ladder behind the camel, stood on the ladder, pulled his pants down and had wild, insane sex with the camel.
When he was finally done, he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" The old Sergeant replied, grinning, No not really, sir... They usually just ride the camel into town, where the girls are".
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel." The pharmacist fainted.
A man had great tickets for the World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the empty seat next to him.
"No," the man replies. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event, and not use it?"
"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the wife's funeral."
Sunday, June 11, 2006
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says: -"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed,
"let's put all these Frosties back in the box."
A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.
"The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing ....and," pausing to take another drink of beer.
The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young........so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little f*ck, what are you doing for the next generation?"
Friday, June 09, 2006
Chinese man rings his boss “Me no work I sick!”
Boss says “when I’m sick I make love to my wife, I then feel a lot better, try that!”
Two hours later the Chinese man rings back “me better, u got nice house”.
Odd One Out
Which is the odd one out?
B- Washing Machine
Answer- A- Toaster, it’s the only one that doesn’t drip when it’s f**ed.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
A husband walks into Frederick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I'll not put it on, do the modeling naked and return it the next day and get a $500 refund for myself.
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
Funeral Services are pending
A nun was sitting with her Mother Superior chatting.
"Mother Superior, I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asked the elder.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that was going to go 280 yards, but it struck a phone line over the fairway and straight down to the ground after only 100 yards."
"And that's when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"And THAT'S when you swore?" asked the Mother Superior.
"Well, no," says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed elder nun.
"No. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior impatiently.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green and stopped about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Mother Superior sighed, "You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?"
Friday, June 02, 2006
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
Little boy was crying in the supermarket. A man asks "are you lost?"
Boy says "yes"
Man then asks "whats your mum like?"
Boy answers "big cocks & vodka!"