Shacks Joke Pad
***WARNING*** As the title states this is my Joke Pad. It contains jokes I have collected over the years from all different sources. This blog is for the open minded who dont take offence. If you are offended easily please look else where. This blog is not politically or morally correct it's just me having a laugh and hoping you have a laugh as well. ANY PICTURES OR JOKES YOU'D LIKE TO SHARE PLEASE SEND THEM TO- email@example.com
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
HeadLines Of The Year Part-1
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[those good-for-nothin' lazy bastards!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[who would have thought!]
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
HEADLINES OF THE YEAR PART-2
Headlines of the Year-
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[not if I wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy!]
One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the street. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat."Where to?" he stammered.
"Midland Station," answered the woman."You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the fuck are you looking at, driver?"
"Well missus, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"
Monday, October 30, 2006
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice,the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere.It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy Roddick is playing so well is that, before the finalround, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"
Little Johnny was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said,"I've lost my grandpa"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied,"Jack Daniels and women with big tits".
Monday, October 23, 2006
Social Security Sex
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
Be on the Lookout
THIS IS A NATIONWIDE BULLETIN.....
A truck carrying a load of Viagra has been hijacked!!
The police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.......
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a woman with breasts like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere"
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says.
"Sam, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Sam says, "Well, I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really!? Like a baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just pissed myself.”
Friday, October 20, 2006
Photo by the Bed
After a long night of making love he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
Ahmed the Arab came to Australia from the Middle East, and he was only there a few months when he became very ill.
He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.
Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said, "Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, shit in de bocket, piss on de shit, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."
Ahmed took the bucket, went into the other room, shit in the bucket, pissed on the shit, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.
Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?"
The doctor said, "You were homesick."
Monday, October 16, 2006
A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, Ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window.
After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch."
"Listen love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.
The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles.
After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"
"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."
At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord.
The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined 200 Pounds for that!"
To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes The Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabi, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." "What that tell you?" asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in themorning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are smalland insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabi, you thick bastard, someone has stolen the f*cking tent."
Thursday, October 12, 2006
A man rushes home, bursting through the front door of his house yelling to his wife, "Pack your bags baby, I just won the lottery! All £10,000,000...."
"Woooohooo!!!! That's great sweetie" she replies. "Do I pack for the beach or the mountains?"
"Who cares", he replies, "Just f**k off!"
Garden Of Eden
Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing."
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire
.Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth.
Ruined the whole f****ing thing
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself in a mirror.
Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight was depressing her.
In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help. "God, if You take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to You," she prayed.
And (*POOF*) just like that...her ears fell off
When Charles first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
After several weeks his penis had grown to nearly sixteen inches and was close to dragging the ground. Charles became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Charles' condition could be cured through corrective surgery.
"How long will Charles be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife coldly, "you are planning to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"