Good Old Dad

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello, and he’s rather taken aback because he cant place where he knows her from.

So he says, “Do you know me?”

To which she rplies “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says “ My god, are you the stripper from my friends bachelor party, that I made love to on the pool table with all my mates watching while you partner whipped my arse with a wet mackerel??”

She looks into his eyes and says calmly “No I’m your son’s teacher!”

Paddy

Paddy was driving down the street in a right sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking space.

Looking up to heaven he said “Lord take pity on me, if you find me a parking space I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up the booze!”

Miraculously, a parking space appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said “ Never Mind, I found one”..

DIY HARDHAT

Death

Patrick opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finley.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Patrick "They say I died!!"

"Yeah I saw it!" replied Finley "Where the fuck are ye callin from?"

Little Woman

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the landlord, "Pour me a stiff, just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah!" said Charlie "How did this one end?"

"When it was over, she came to me on her hands and knees!" replied Mike

"Really" said Charlie "Now thats a change! What did she say?"

She said "Come out from under the bed you chicken shit bastard!"

Trucker

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

Heaven

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.

"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, threw it on the ground.
I yelled, "Now, back off! Or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago..."