Shacks Joke Pad
***WARNING*** As the title states this is my Joke Pad. It contains jokes I have collected over the years from all different sources. This blog is for the open minded who dont take offence. If you are offended easily please look else where. This blog is not politically or morally correct it's just me having a laugh and hoping you have a laugh as well. ANY PICTURES OR JOKES YOU'D LIKE TO SHARE PLEASE SEND THEM TO- firstname.lastname@example.org
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
Mick appeared on the Irish version of "Who Wants to Be aMillionaire" and was nearly at the end of the quiz with winnings of £500,000.
"You've done very well so far," said the show's presenter, "But to get the £1million, you've only got one lifeline left - Phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question...will you have a go?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"OK. The question is, 'Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Robin, b) Sparrow, c) Cuckoo or (d) Thrush."
"I haven't got a clue," said Mick, "so I'll use my last lifeline and phone m' friend Paddy back home in Ballygoon." Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Blooming heck, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple... it's a cuckoo.""Are you sure, Paddy?" asked Mick. "I'm certainly sure." Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, "I'll go with da Cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer? Lock it in?" asked the host ."Dat it is, Sor. Lock it in"
There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won £1million!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink."Tell me, Paddy? How in God's name did you know it was the Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest? I mean, you know not a thing about birds."
"Ah bejaysus!" laughed Paddy. "Everybody knows a Cuckoo lives in a fucking clock!"
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
ALL THE BEST
HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A GREAT CHRISTMAS AND A TOP NEW YEAR.
KEEP THE JOKES AND PICS COMING HAS THIS BLOG WOULD NOT EXIST WITHOUT EVERYONES HELP.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Man donates blood to his wife after she is hurt badly in a car crash.
Few months later they go through a nasty divorce and he demands his blood back.
She throws a used Tampax in his face and say’s “There you go you bastard! I’ll pay you monthly.”
Friday, December 15, 2006
1-He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
2-Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
3-Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
4-The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
5-If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
6-The things that come to those who wait, will be the things left by those who got there first.
7-The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
8-When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
A man and his wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband "you can have her shipped home for £5,000. or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for £150".
The man thought about it and told the undertaker he would just have to have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would only spend £150?"
The husband replies, " Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and after 3 days, he rose form the dead. I can't take that fucking chance mate!"
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Man goes down on a woman.......
Man: God it smells down here !
Woman: I'm so sorry..... It's my arthritis.
Man: You have arthritis..... Down there?
Woman: No, In my shoulder..... I cant wipe my arse.
Bob goes into the public rest room and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor man is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK."Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't fucking touching it."
Thursday, December 07, 2006
One day, Bob came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up" she purred "and you can do anything you want"
So he tied her up and..... fucked off fishing.
Definition Of Bravery
True bravery is arriving home, stinking drunk after a very late night out with the boys.
Being met at the door and assaulted with a broom by your wife................... and still having guts to ask:
"Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere"
Monday, December 04, 2006
Guy Ritchie say's " Thats the last time I give the wife my credit card, and say treat yourself to a little black number!!"