Shacks Joke Pad
***WARNING*** As the title states this is my Joke Pad. It contains jokes I have collected over the years from all different sources. This blog is for the open minded who dont take offence. If you are offended easily please look else where. This blog is not politically or morally correct it's just me having a laugh and hoping you have a laugh as well. ANY PICTURES OR JOKES YOU'D LIKE TO SHARE PLEASE SEND THEM TO- firstname.lastname@example.org
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman
There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.
The Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes"
The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank.
With that the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a prick."
Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day whenhe sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off.
Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?"
Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'dayBruce, Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."
Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.He says "Strewth Sheila..... Not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too." And drives off.
A little boy walks into his parent's room to see his mom on top of his Dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts. Worried about what her son has seen, she dress's quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks' "What were you and dad doing?"The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time." say's the boy."Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled?
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees, and blows it back up again."
Sunday, May 28, 2006
As they approached Dublin number 1 runway, the tower heard:
PILOT - Bjeesus will ya look how shart dat runway is?
CO-PILOT - Yer nat kiddin, Paddy
PILOT - Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Shamus!
CO-PILOT - Yer nat kiddin, Paddy !!
PILOT - Right, Shamus, when I say 'go' put de engine in reverse!!
CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat !!
PILOT - An den ya put de flaps down!!
CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat, too !!
PILOT - An den stamp an de brakes as hard as yer can an pray ta de Holy Mudder a Gad !!!
CO-PILOT - I'm prayin already, but I'll hit de brakes as hard as I can.
So, as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, puts the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to the Holy Mother with all his soul. The brakes screeched, the tyres squealed,and there was smoke everywhere, but, to the relief of all the passengers, and, not least of all, Paddy and Shamus, the aircraft came to a stop but a few metres from the end of the runway.
As Paddy and Shamus sat in the cockpit regaining some composure, Paddy looked out of the window and said to Shamus, "Dat has gat ta be De shartist fookin runway in de world!"
Shamus replied, "Yes, but da ya see how fookin wide it is?"
Stuck In A Elevator
Three guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator. While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.
The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know............ Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."
The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know........."Double Income, No Kids, Yet."
The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B, you know.. Rich, Urban, Biker."
They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you? "
She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know........................ "Wash, Iron, F*ck, Etc."
Friday, May 26, 2006
Grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
Jack & Jill
Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side "When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on.When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. "I told her, of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. 'Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."
Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them."Exactly," replied Jack. " I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that."
Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small."I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack.
"Exactly," replied Jill. "And if you don't change your f**king attitude, you never will.”
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Little Nancy was in the garden, filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the rosy-faced youngster was doing, he asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied little Nancy, tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor laughed and said, condescendingly, "That's a really
big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Little Nancy patted down the last heap of earth, and then replied, "That's because he's inside your friggin cat."
A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked. One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing.
He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree.
His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck."Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her. So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"
The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies,"Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"
Monday, May 22, 2006
A man joins a nudist colony and on his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?" The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Later, the man continues to explore the colonies facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer. It's a rule here that if you fart, it implies that you called for me."
The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee." "But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities." T
he man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here!
Scent Of Man
Woman talking to a bloke in a pub says " mmm you smell nice, what have you got on?"
The chap looks astonished at the woman and shyly replies, "I've got a hard on, but i didnt think you would be able to smell it."......
Sunday, May 21, 2006
A rather large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her - the ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."
One blonde asks another: "Which is further, London or the Moon?"..............
The other replies: "HELLOOOOO, can you see London from here??!!"
Saturday, May 20, 2006
The doctor said, "Bill, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Bill was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... A new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... Size 44 long."Bill laughed, "That's right, how did you know?""Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Bill tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.As Bill admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"Bill thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."The salesman eyed Bill and said, "Let's see 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."Bill was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?""Been in the business 60 years."
Bill tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.Bill walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"Bill thought for a moment and said, "Sure."The salesman said, "Let's see... Size 36." Bill laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.
"The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a f**king headache."
A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2 other female friends in addition to my fiance and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry".
The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." "That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?" "I don't like her."
Thursday, May 18, 2006
The Queen visits a hospital and goes through a ward. She sees a man wanking and say’s “what’s wrong with him?”
The doctor replies “he has too much sperm and must do that 5 times a day!”
Then she sees a nurse giving a man a blowjob and asks “what’s wrong with him?”
The doc answers “same as the first bloke but he’s got BUPA!”
A blind man went for a job in a wood yard saying he could identify the wood by smell.
The manager tested him with all the different wood he had in stock, and everytime the blind man got it right.
So the manager thought I’ll catch the blind git out, so he made his secretary lie naked on the floor.
The blind man sniffed then asked for the wood to be turned over and then sniffed again.“Can’t fool me!” he said “that’s a shit house door of an old tuna boat!”
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four"
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."
" You cannot pull that one on me,"replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.
"The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body.
His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy". The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy".
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes." "What, he had two arseholes???" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes...."
Saturday, May 13, 2006
A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her minge on her wedding night.
So she decided to tell her husband she had caught it climbing over a fence.
After an hour in bed with her he said "Just how far across the f***ing field were you before you realised it was caught?"
I went to the cash machine this morning and this little old lady asked me to check her balance.....
So I pushed her over!
What does John Prescott and an MFI flatpack have in common?
A few screws in the wrong place and the whole f***ing cabinet falls apart!
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Man marries a deaf girls and says "We must work out a code, If I want sex I will stroke your left breast, you reply by pulling my penis once for Yes and 150 times for No !".
Judge & Prostitute
Judge says to prostitute "so when did you realise you were raped?"
Prostitute replies " When the f**king cheque bounced!"
Sunday, May 07, 2006
A man is sitting reading his newspaper when the wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
" What was that for? " he asks. "That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name Mary Ellen written on it, " she replies.
"Don't be silly, " he says, "Two weeks ago when I went to the races its the name of one of the horses I bet on.
"She seems satisfied and at this, she apologizes. Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes around, he asks again, " what was that for?!"
She responded," Your f** king horse phoned. "
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the restroom.
A few moments later a loud, blood, curdling scream is heard coming from the restroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberated through the bar.
The bartender goes to the restroom door to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells."You're scaring the customers."
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles!"
With that, the bartender opens the door and says, "You pissed up idiot!! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!"
Thursday, May 04, 2006
There once was a man named Dave,
who kept a dead whore in a cave,
she had only one tit,
and smelled worse than shit,
but think of the money Dave saved
Mary had a little lamb,
her father called it Ralph,
and now it's burning in a field,
because of foot and mouth!
There once was a man from calcutta,
Who took a sly peep through a shutter,
But all he could see was his wife's twitching knee,
And the arse of the man that was up her.
Monday, May 01, 2006
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
A man on his 1st night of his honeymoon decides to have a drink before he has fun with bride. So he goes to the bar and asks the barman for a pint of bitter.
" I do believe sir, that you are on your honeymoon" say the barman. " that's right I am". "Well in that case sir, don't drink any bitter? It makes it shrivel up. Can I suggest a large brandy? Makes you into a lion" says the barman.
The groom agrees, has a large brandy then goes upstairs to see his new wife. About 2 hours later, the groom comes back down to the bar and says to the barman "Brilliant idea of yours, brilliant.. Give me another brandy,..... And a pint of bitter for the wife"
Three little ducks go into a Bar.............................."Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply. How's your day been, Huey?"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey."Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.
He turned to the second duck,"Hi, and what's your name?""Dewey," came the answer from duck number two."So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked."Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles.