WHO SHIT?????

Why??

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?

A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch

Why?

Q: WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?

A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet.
But when they go, they Take your house and car with them.

What Do?

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?

A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

What Are?

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?

A: It's Braille for "SUCK HERE".

Reverand Flapps

Rev John Flapps sees a lady church member getting drunk in the pub. He tries to take her home but they fall and he ends up on top of her.

The landlord says “Oi mate you cant do that in here!”

The Rev replies “You don’t understand I’m Pastor Flapps”

“Well if you’re that far in you may as well finish” say’s the landlord.

Sex

What’s the difference between oral and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day and anal sex makes your hole week..

Golf Injury

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt! That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife,"Hey, this looks like yours!'. I don't remember much after that."

Skunk

A man and a woman are driving in the car when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up and brings it back into the car.

She says: "It looks cold, what should I do?"

He says: "Put it between your legs."

She says: "What about the smell?"

He says: "Hold its nose

THE UGLY BITCH HOLDING THE SIGN WOULD SAY THAT!!!!

TOP TIPS

Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'.
Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name.
See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.

TOP TIPS

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars.
Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

TOP TIPS

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.

TOP TIPS

Weight watchers.

Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat bastards

TOP TIPS

Liverpool Football Club fans.

Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead.

Your allegiance is now clear to all

A man took his wife to the state fair and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year".The wife nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same FUCKING cow."

Sex Games

One day, Bob Johnson came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went fishing.

Deer Hunter

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the deer meat for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell them.

His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper dad?"

"You'll see", he replies.

They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating.

"Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me."

His daughter screams..........."Don't eat it, Jimmy!...... It's a fucking arsehole ...!!!"

SHIT JOB

Save Money

A couple decide they have to tighten their belts!

She says “You are spending £16 a week on 24 cans of beer, that has to stop!”

“Hang on!” he says “Your spending £28 a week on make-up”

She says “Yes but that is to make me look lovely and attractive”

“That’s what the fucking beer was for!!” he says.

Fancy Dress

Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis.
A lady asks “ What have you come as?”

“Fireman!” replies the man, “break the glass, pull the knob and I’ll come as fast as I can!”

What do you call???????

What do you call a Serbian Prostitute??

Slobberdown Mecock Yabitch.

Blonde Joke

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?""Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

"What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.""Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World."

SKID-MARKS

Ronaldo

Cristiano Ronaldo goes to the doctors and complains that he gets sexually aroused when looking in the mirror.

“I’m not surprised” said the doctor,

“You’re a cunt!”

McCartney

I lay upon a grassy bank,

My hands were all a quiver,

I slowly undid her suspender belt,

And her leg fell in the river!.

A poem by- Sir Paul McCartney

Traffic Warden

Man parks in a disabled spot, traffic warden sees him and asks “what is your disability?”

“Tourettes!” he says,“Now f*ck off twat!”

Quickie

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. A few moments passed . . .. "An ambulance just drove by". A few moments later he called out: "Looks like the Anderson's have company". "Matt's riding a new bike."

"The Coopers are having sex!!" Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!! Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having sex??"

"Because Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with a Popsicle too...".

Gods Night Lite

An 80 yr. old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, “George, everything looks great but how are you mentally, emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

George replied, “Well, God and I are tight ya know. God knows I have bad eye sight and He’s even fixed light for me when I get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. I open the door, poof! The light comes on. I close the door when I’m finished and poof! The light goes off. I call it God’s little night-lite for me.

“Wow, that’s incredible”, the doctor says but a little later in the day the doctor calls George’s wife Ethel. “Ethel, everything is fine with George but today he told me about his relationship with God and … well, I’m amazed! Ya know George told me that when he goes to the bathroom at night, poof, the lights go off and on”, the doctor said. Is that true?

Ethel gasped quickly, “OH NO! He’s pissing in the fridge again!”

The Somali

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, and giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!"

But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am Mexican".

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!"

The person says "I no American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful America!"

That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not an American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I am from Russia!"

So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Americans?" The Russian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says... "Probably at work!"

The Barber

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."

The guy left. A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half." The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey Bill, do me a favour!. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked," So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said," Your house."

ORGASM

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions"to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably playing golf with his friends."

MORAL OF-----

A married couple both 62 were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly a little fairy appeared at their table. "For being an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish".

"Oh I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife.

The fairy waved her wand and two tickets for a cruise on the QE2 luxury liner appeared in her hand.

Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "This is all very romantic but an opportunity like this may never appear again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is for a wife 30 years younger".

The wife and fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.............................

The fairy waved her wand and "poof!" - the husband became 92 years old.

Morale of the story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember that fairies are female.

The Whole Story

Little Georgie watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Georgie found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother,

"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt J ane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Georgie, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Georgie to tell his story. Georgie started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.

Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

Driving Puzzle

Scenario:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a steep drop and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Look below for the answer

Answer:

Get off the children's Merry Go Round, you're pissed.