Another Shit Day

Deaf Wife

Guy marries a deaf mute girl and wants to put a communication system in place so he'll know if she wants sex or not.

He whips out his dick and says "pull once for yes, 250 times for no".

Spiders

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. 'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked. 'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.' So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.'Well, we're not having any of that poofter shit in our garden' she said.

Barrack Obama

Obama at The Pearly Gates

St. Peter is at the Pearly Gates checking up on the people waiting to enter Heaven. He asks the next one in line, 'So, who are you, and what did you do on Earth?' .

The fellow says, 'I'm Barrack Obama, and I was the first black to be elected President of the United States '

St. Peter says, 'The U.S.? A black President? You gotta be kidding me! When did this happen?' .

And Obama says, 'About twenty minutes ago.'

Yorkshire Airlines

Mexicans

Two Mexicans are riding along the Pacific Coast Highway on a motorbike. They experience a break down and start to hitch a ride. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can be of some help and the Mexicans ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the trailer as he is carrying 10,000 bowling balls. The Mexicans ask the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back with their bike, will he take them to the next town and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze their motorcycle and themselves into the back of the trailer so the driver shuts the doors and gets back on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.Sure enough the California Highway Patrol pulls him over for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies jokingly-- "Mexican eggs".

The patrolman obviously doesn't believe this so he wants to take a look. He opens the back door of the trailer and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets on his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible..

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.. "I've got a tractor trailer with 10,000 Mexican eggs in it. Only 2 have hatched so far, but they've already managed to steal a motorcycle.

Drunk

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. KFC ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest loo? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

Ethel

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. STOP!' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his Cock in his hand.

'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again!'

Coffee

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to seek his help in reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra? Asks the doctor.

'Not a chance,' she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an Irish Soluble Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! 'Twas horrid. Just terrible doctor!.'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor?'

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped his self straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulgin' fiercely!With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flyin',ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the table-top! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute feckin' nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good'?

'Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sexI've had in 50 years of marriage! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll niver be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

Farmers Daughter

Compassion

Sally returned from a doctor's visit one day and told her husband Bruce that the doctor said she only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away his tears, she asked him to make love to her. Of course he agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Sally went to him again, and said, 'Honey, now only have18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?'Bruce agreed and again they made love.

Later, Sally was getting into bed when she realized she now had only eight hours of life left. She touched Bruce's shoulder and said, 'Honey?Please? Just one more time before I die.' He agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Sally, however, heard the clock ticking in her head, and she tossed and turned until she was down to only four more hours. She tapped her husband on the shoulder to wake him up 'Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?'

Her husband sat up abruptly, turned to her and said, 'Listen Sal, I'm not being funny .but I have to get up in the morning and you don't..'

Suicide

A little man is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

This caused the poor little man to start crying.

'Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'Ididn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying."

''This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right.' 'I overslept and was late to animportant meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the car park, I found my car was stolen and I haven't got any insurance. I left my wallet in the taxi I took home. I found my wife in bed withthe gardener and my dog bit me.
So I came to this bar trying to workup the courage to put an end to my life. Then you show up anddrink the poison."

Find Jesus

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Where upon he asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?”

“Yes I am” replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, “Brother have you found Jesus?”

The drunk replies, “No, I haven't.”

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, “Have you found Jesus, my brother?”

The drunk again answers, “No, I have not found Jesus..”

By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds. When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, “For the love of God, have you found Jesus?”

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

'Are you sure this is where he fucking fell in?'

Only If

If Tommy Cooper were alive today......

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins....It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin'? I said, 'No, permanent.'

I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said 'Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said 'No, I've got china in my hand.'

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'