Only If

If Tommy Cooper were alive today......

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins....It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin'? I said, 'No, permanent.'

I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said 'Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said 'No, I've got china in my hand.'

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'