Burial at Sea

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Bubbles says, 'Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?' Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, 'nope, not yet Bubbles'.

So they row a little farther.... Again Bubbles asks Barbie, 'Do you think were out far enough now? Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest.
'So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slip’s over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface, gasping for breath she says, “OK.....this is deep enough, pass me the shovel.”

Shoe Shopping

Golf

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.

She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'

'I was stung by a bee', she said. 'Where', he asked. 'Between the first and second hole', she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your stance is too wide.'

Revenge

A boy about 13 years old walked down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a brothel and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.'The Madam figured why not, so she told him to come in.

Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls.He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any venereal diseases?' Of course, the Madam said no.

He said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want.'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the cynical Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed amphibian behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the Dose that I just caught'. 'When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home.

On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the dose. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it'.

'In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the clap, and HE'S the bastard who ran over my frog!'

Scotsman

A Glaswegian walks into a pub, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with £10 notes.

He guesses there must be thousands of pounds in it. He approaches the barman and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay £10 and if you pass three tests you get all the money."

The Glaswegian certainly isn't going to pass up this chance. "What are the three tests?"

"Pay first, those are the rules." says the barman. So the man gives him the £10 and the barman drops it into the jar.

"OK," the barman says, "here's what you need to do..."

"...First, you have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing all at once and you can't make a face while doing it..."
"...Second, there's a pit bull chained-up outside with a sore tooth, you have to remove the tooth with your bare hands..."
"...Third, there's a 90-year-old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."

The tough Glaswegian is stunned. "I know I paid my £10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be bonkers to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things...."

"It's up to you," says the barman, "but your money stays where it is."

As time goes on the man has a few drinks, then a few more... Then he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
Next, he staggers outside where the pit bull is chained-up, and soon all the people inside the bar hear a noisy scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping, and then... silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.

"Now," he says..."Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"

Doctors

An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor said, "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor said, "In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah!. We can take an arsehole out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours."

Dinner

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day; he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'Whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.

''No problem,' he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation and leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, 'All right, that's enough, I'll do the f*cking dishes!'

$100 Tattoo

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, 'Where in the hell have you been?'

Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.'

'A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?'

'I got a hundred pound note on my privates,' he said proudly.

'What the hell were you thinking?' she said, Shaking her head in disdain. 'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred pound note tattooed on his privates?'

'Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred quid anytime you want.'

Name Change

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him. 'My name is Carmen,' she told him.

'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'

'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself.

It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.' 'What's your name?' she asked.


He said, 'B.J........B.J. Titsengolf'