Rhyme

Mary had a little lamb

Its fleece was white and wispy.

Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease

And now it's black and crispy.

Shopping

An older man approaches a younger woman inside the mall.

'Excuse me,' he said. 'I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Sure, sir, do you know where your wife might be?'

'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she usually appears out of nowhere.'

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years ,many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody

Cute

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.'

Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.'

The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.' She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

Lemon

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven Lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your Face '

Logic

Two blokes are sitting in a country pub, it's a local pub and everyone knows everyone else. A stranger walks in and goes to the bar.

One of the blokes goes up to him and says "Hello, this is a local pub - everyone knows everyone. How come we haven't seen you before?"
"I've just moved in, I teach at the University" the stranger said.The man replied, "Oh really, what do you teach?"

"I teach logic"
"Logic?!? How do you teach logic"
"Well, it's fairly simple. I'll give you an example. Do you have a frog in your garden?"
"Well yes I do"

"So I assume, logically, that you have a pond in your garden"
"Well, yes I do"
"I can also assume you have a fair sized garden"
"Wow, yes I do."

"In that case you must have quite a sized house too...3/4 bedrooms?"
"Wow, this is really good, carry on"
"So you must have a wife and kids...maybe 2 or 3 kids?"
"Wow, I have 3 kids yes!!"

"So if you have a wife I assume you don't masturbate much?"
"Astonishing, this is all spot on"
"Well, that's logic for you" The stranger said with a smile.

The bloke went back to his table and the other man said "What was all that about, who is he?"
"He teaches logic at the university."
"Logic? how do you teach logic?"
"I'll give you an example...Do you have a frog in your garden?"
"No I don't"

"Well then your a WANKER"

Golf

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God, Daphne! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" he demanded.

"Well you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."He immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee ....her skirt also flies up to show that she is not wearing any knickerseither. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, Bridget! Where are your knickers?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the allowance you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jaysus! Aggie. Where the frig are yer drawers?"

She also explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love o' Jaysus 'n the sake of decency...here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a wee bit.

Amsterdam

A bloke goes to the red light district in Amsterdam and ask for a women with saggy tit’s, big belly and saddle bag piss flaps.

“Kinky then sir?”

“No fuckin home sick” he replied.

New Job

I’ve just been off a new job for £500 a week.

Working for the brittle bone society.

I snapped his fucking hand off.

Man of the House

A husband had just finished reading a book called “Man of the House” when he stormed into the kitchen, pointed a finger into his wife’s face and said.

“From now on I want you to know, I am the man of the house, my word is law! You WILL prepare me a gourmet meal for me tonight and every night! After you WILL run me a bath, after the bath you WILL lie on the bed and take what’s coming to you and the guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hairs??

”The wife replied “the fucking undertaker!”