Slim Fast

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She replied with a snicker... "It's not talcum powder...... It's 'Miracle Grow'."

Explain This!!!!!!

Pension

A man said to his wife “I had to show my grey hair on my chest to get my pension”.

His wife replies “you should have showed them your penis we would have got disability allowance then”.

Bravery

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really upset.

She told him "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out of the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway and picked up the box.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Jack & Jill

Jack & Jill went up the hill,
So Jack could lick Jill’s fanny,
Jack got a shock & a mouth full of cock,
Cos Jill was a pre-op tranny.

Hitman

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome to come along." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response. "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha ha, I can see she's naked. Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her; he's naked, too! The bitch!"

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson." said the husband.

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" asked the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."

“Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like muffing your sister………..It tastes the same, but there’s just something not quite right about it”

Drunk

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cos you're an ugly bitch."

Moving Out

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to London . I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a fucking year".

Rabbi

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?''
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
''Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way:"What about all these biscuit purchases. What do you do with the crumbs?''
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits.''
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?''
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick ."

Johnny

Little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom to find his dad giving his mum one. His dad smirks and throws a pillow at the door saying 'get outta here'.

A few hours later dad hears a commotion coming from Johnnies bedroom. He goes up to find Johnny giving grandma one, to which Johnny replies' it aint quite so funny now its your mum is it'

Cowboy

A cowboy and his wife had just gotten married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night.

The man approached the Front Desk and asked for a room.He said, "This heerza special 'casion -- our honeymoon-- and we need a nice room with a good strong bed."

The clerk winked -- "You want the 'Bridal'?"

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied, "Nope, reckon not. Guess I'll jist hold on to her ears til she gits used to it."

Milkman

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my face".

I DO

Little Johnny

Little Johnny’s neighbour had a baby, but he was born without ears. Mum and Dad went to visit the baby and Johnny was warned not to mention it’s ears or he would get a spanking.

Johnny looked in the cot and said “What a lovely baby, lovely feet, hands and skin. Hows his eyesight?”

The baby’s mother replied “it’s perfect”.

Johnny says “ That’s great he’d be fucked if he needed glasses!!”

Bravery

Definition of Bravery-
Coming home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume. Then slapping the wife on the arse and saying “your next fatty!”