Old Folk

I used to hate weddings.

All the old dears would poke me and say 'you're next' !

They soon stopped when i started doing the same thing to them at funerals.......

Johnny

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven..., which partof your body goes first?"

Ruth raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands"."Why do you think it's your hands, Ruth?" Ruth replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes you hands first".

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs".The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face."Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'

"If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her..."

Max & Paddy

Two Irish blokes were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

Paddy: "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder"

The blonde took a spanner from her purse, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She then pulled a tape measure from her pocket, took a few measurements and announced that it was eighteen feet and six inches. She then walked off.

Max: "Ain't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length."

Flavoured Condoms

Fella buys a packet of mixed flavoured condoms. Raspberry, Banana, and Strawberry, and says to the wife, lets play a new game. I will put one on and you can guess which flavour it is !!

The wife agrees and goes under the duvet, and shouts up - cheese and onion !!!!!

The husband replies - for fucks sake give me a chance to put one on.

Dr Phil

DR. PHIL WAS CONDUCTING A GROUP THERAPY SESSION WITH FOUR YOUNG MOTHERS AND THEIR SMALL CHILDREN.

"YOU ALL HAVEOBSESSIONS," HE OBSERVED. TO THE FIRST MOTHER, HE SAID, YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH EATING...YOU'VE EVEN NAMED YOUR DAUGHTER CANDY."

HE TURNED TO THE SECOND MOM. "YOUR OBSESSION IS WITH MONEY...AGAIN, IT MANIFESTS ITSELF IN YOUR CHILD'S NAME, PENNY."

HE TURNS TO THE THIRD MOM. "YOUR OBSESSION IS ALCOHOL.THIS, TOO, MANIFESTS ITSELF IN YOUR CHILD'S NAME, BRANDY."

AT THIS POINT, THE FOURTH MOTHER GETS UP TAKES HER LITTLE BOY BY THE HAND AND WHISPERS, "COME ON DICK, WE'RE LEAVING

Pikey's

40 Gypsies died and went to heaven. They turned up at the Pearly Gatesand asked St Peter to let them in.

He said that they didn't have room for all 40 of them. He only hadroom for 5, so they should go away and think about who would come in.

A short while later St Peter went to see God and said " They've gone!"

God replied, "What, the Pikeys?"

"No the fucking gates"!!!!

Blonde Joke

A blonde phones the fire brigade and says her house is on fire !!

Fireman asks "how do we get there ?? "...........

She replies"HELLOOOOO !!!!!! In the FUCKING BIG RED LORRY !!!!!!!!!!!!

Martha

Martha lost her husband. She had him cremated, took his ashes home and poured them out onto the patio table.

Tracing her fingers through the ashes she spoke to him. Bob, remember the dishwasher you promised me, well I bought it with the insurance money, the car you promised me, well I bought that too, along with the diamond ring.

Bob, do you remember the blow job I promised you ????

Well here it comes ............

Larry & Bob

Larry and Bob wanted to go out drinking, but they only had $2.00 between them. Larry said, "Hang on, I have an idea"He went next door to the butcher's shop and spent the $2.00 on one large sausage.

Bob said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"Larry replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."They went into the pub where Larry immediately ordered two double shots of Jack Daniels.

Bob said, "Now you've lost it! Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money to pay for this!"Larry replied, with a smile, " Don't worry - I have a plan. Cheers!"They downed their drinks.Larry said "OK! I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get on your knees and put it in your mouth."

Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk, All for free.

At the tenth bar, Bob said, "Larry - I don't think I can do this anymore. My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!"Larry said,"How do you think I feel?I lost the sausage after the third pub!

Superman

Superman was feeling bored after a long day of crime fighting and wantedto go out and party, so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a cluband pick up some girls.

Batman said Robin was ill and he had to look after him. A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers. Spiderman told him he had a date with Catwoman.

As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonderwoman's apartment to see ifshe was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonderwoman naked onthe bed with her legs open.

Superman thought to himself: "I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I couldbe in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what washappening". So Superman did his Super Thing in a split second and flewoff happily.

Meanwhile on the bed, Wonderwoman said: "Did you hear something?""No" said the Invisible Man, "but my fucking arse hurts like hell….