Mechanic

A gynaecologist was getting tired of his job and decided to switch careers. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines, so he enrolled in a school for car mechanics.
When the class ended, the students were given their final exam: strip a car engine completely and reassemble it in perfect working order.

The gynaecologistdid his best - and was amazed to find he scored 150%."How could that be?" he asked.

"Well," said the instructor, "I gave you 50% for taking the engine apart. Next, I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a really fantastic job. And then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the exhaust pipe."

Maxine

Maxine took her car to her mechanic. She told him "Every time I take any of my friends out in my car, after a while there is this terrible smell!! It never happens when I am on my own.

This quite intrigued the mechanic so he said, "OK, lets go for a spin and see what the problem is."

Off they went.

She drove down a one-way street in the wrong direction at 60 MPH, swerving, hitting the curb on both sides of the street, narrowly missed three pedestrian in pedestrian crossings, ran several red lights, and just missed a policeman on street traffic duty. They returned to the shop and she said,

"There it is now - there's that terrible smell. Do you smell it?"

"Smell it? Lady, I'm fucking sitting in it."

Paddy

Paddy's got £500,000. Chris asks him the big question for 1 million pounds.

"PADDY, FOR £1MILLION, WHO WAS THE GREAT TRAIN ROBBER...
WAS IT...
A, RONNIE BARKER...
B, RONNIE O'SULLIVAN...
C, RONNIE CORBETT...
OR... WAS IT...D, RONNIE BIGGS"???

Paddy say's..."I'LL TAKE THE MONEY" Chris reminds him that he still has his 3 life lines left.

Paddy again say's. "I'LL TAKE THE MONEY""YOU DON'T WANT TO CALL A FRIEND" say's Chris.

"NO I'LL TAKE THE MONEY"

"GIVE HIM A ROUND OF APPLAUSE, PADDY GOES AWAY WITH £500,000." say's Chris.

"BEFORE YOU GO, YOU'LL OBVIOUSLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE ANSWER WAS"

Paddy said "NO, I KNOW IT ANYWAY" "ARE YOU MAD" asks Chris, "YOU'RE MENTAL!"


Paddy says, "I MIGHT BE MENTAL....BUT I'M NOT A FUCKING GRASS"

PostMan Pat

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.
The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a full George Best breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly-squeezed orange juice.When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five quid for?""Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you". "I asked him what to give you".

He said, "F*ck him. Give him a fiver." She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea."

HELLO MR SMITH????????

Taking a Piss

Anne and Joe were out for a walk, Anne says “ I need a piss!” and goes behind a bush.

Joe hears her pull her panties down and feeling a bit horny put his hand thru the bush and between her legs. He feels something hanging!!!

“Anne have you changed your sex?” he asks

“No” she replies. “I’ve changed my mind I’m having a shit!”

The Skunk

A couple driving home see a wounded skunk in the road. The woman gets out and brings the skunk back to the car.

“It’s shivering, it must be cold!” she says.

The Husband replies “Put it between your legs to keep it warm”.

“What about the smell?” says the wife.
“Hold it’s fucking nose!!” replies the husband.

NEVER.............

NEVER FUCK A RETARDED DWARF……………….

IT’S NOT BIG AND IT’S NOT CLEVER.

REDNECK OR WELSH NIGHT OUT

Big Fanny

A woman is worried that her fanny is getting bigger as she gets older, she goes to the bathroom and puts a mirror on the floor and stands over it to have a look.

Just as she is doing this, her hubby who is slightly drunk walks past the door. He rushes in and pushes her across the room, she says "you prick, you could have broke my arm pushing me like that".

You ungrateful bitch he says " if you had fell down that hole you'd have broke your fucking neck!!!!

Mirror Mirror on the wall,
Who's the fairest of them all,
The mirror sighed and gave a grunt,
It sure aint you, you ugly cunt.

Train Set

A little boy gets a train set for Christmas.
One day he is in the lounge playing with his new toy and his mother is listening from the kitchen when she hears the train come to a stop and her little boy says,

"Right all you assholes that are getting off the train Get Off, and all you assholes that are getting on Get On"

The shocked mother goes into the lounge and says to the boy, " Go to your room and don't come out until you can talk nicely "

Two hours later the little boy comes out from his room and begins to play again .This time when the train stops the mother hears the little boy say,

"For all those that are disembarking we would like to wish you a pleasant onward journey"

"And for all those embarking this service we do hope you enjoy your trip with us today"

Upon hearing this the mother begins to smile, that is until she hears the little boy add,

"And for all passengers that are pissed off with the two hour delay, please address your complaints to the fat bitch in the kitchen."

Love Dress

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house.
She rang the doorbell and walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered."

But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my LOVE dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"LOVE dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband LOVES me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home.

He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my LOVE dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"