New Hollywood Sign

Only Kids-

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.

"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.

You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

More Quickies

Q- What do you call a smart blonde?
A- A golden retriever.


Q- What do attorneys use for birth control?
A- Their personalities.


Q- What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A- 45 lbs


Q- What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
A- 45 minutes


Q- What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A- Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Balls

A three year old boy in the bath examines his testicles and asks, "mommy are these my brains?"

"Not yet honey" she replies.

Blind Man

A blind man walks into a shop and starts swinging his guide dog around his head.

The manager asks, "what are you doing?"

The blind man replies "Just looking around!"

Two Nuns

TWO NUNS ARE DRIVING ALONG A COUNTRY LANE AT MIDNIGHT WHEN DRACULA JUMPS ON THEIR BONNET (HOOD).

ONE NUN SAYS "SHOW HIM YOUR CROSS!"

THE SECOND NUN SHAKES HER FIST AND SHOUTS " GET OFF MY FUCKING CAR!"

Quickies

Q-What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
A-Juan on Juan.

Q-What is a Yankee?
A-The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q-What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A-The position of the shit bag

Q-Why is divorce so expensive?
A-Because it's worth it.

Q-Why is air a lot like sex?
A-Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Marriage

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right......... and the other is a Husband.

Driving License

A Polish immigrant went to the DVLA to apply for a driver's license, but first he had to take an eye test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters-

C Z W I X N O S T A C Z

"Can you read this ?" the optician asked

"Read it!" the Polich guy replied "I know the man!"

Kitchen Sex

She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

He walks in. She turns and says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment."

His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day." Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about??” She explains, "The egg timer's bloody broken."