Dog

A dog goes into a hardware store and says "I'd like a job please"

The shop owner tells him "we dont hire dogs, why dont you go and join the circus?"

The dog replies "what would the circus want with a fucking plumber!"

Crash

Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's Blood everywhere.

The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor.
Medic: 'OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.'

Sharon: 'Ok.'

Medic: 'How many fingers am I putting up?'

Sharon: 'Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!'

Essex Girl

An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car-phone rang.

It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, “Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!”

“It's not just one car!” said the Essex girl, “There's hundreds of them!”

New Job

A man, having applied to join the police force in a small south Texas town, is being interviewed.

The Chief says 'Your qualifications are first-class but there is one test that you must pass before I can recruit you.' Sliding a small bag across the desk, he continues 'Take this gun, go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six suspected felons, and a rabbit.'

The man says 'Why the rabbit?'

'Fantastic attitude!' says the Chief. 'When can you start?'

Scousers

85% of Liverpudlian males say they enjoy sex in the shower........

The other 15% haven't been to prison yet

Farmer

A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dildos!

Unfortunately he's had a lot of trouble with squatters!