Liverpool

Man goes to the doc and says “I have a problem. After I masturbate I start to sing 'You'll never walk alone”

The Doc says “don't worry, lots of wankers sing that.”

Mr Blobby

Mr & Mrs Blobby are in bed, Mrs Blobby says “blib blob bobble blub bibbly bob blubby blib'”,

Mr Blobby says 'Just f**king swallow it'

Sex Swap

Two Irish couples decide to spice up their sex lives by swapping partners.

Paddy says 'that was great, I wonder how the girls got on?'

Slippers

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, 'Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?'

'No bother,' he says, and he runs upstairs.

There, he finds Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds.

'Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both.'

'Fook off you liar!'

'I'll prove it,' Murphy says.

So he shouts down the stairs, 'Both of dem, Paddy?'

'Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?'

Pickles

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked. 'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.

'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'

'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh...she got fired too.'

Old Love

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.' Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.'

Blanket

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were bothmarried to other people, found themselves assigned to the samesleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.... him in the upperbunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the womansaying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold. "

"I have a better idea," she replied." Just for tonight, let's just pretend that we're married. "

"Wow! That's a great idea! "he exclaimed!"Good, " she replied... "Get your own fucking blanket."

After a stunned moment of silence, he farted.

Apples of my Life

A little girl accidentally sees her dad in the shower. She’s curious and asks what his testicles are.

“those are the apples of my life” he tells her.

Impressed she repeats this to her mum, who adds: “did he say anything about the dead fucking branch they’re hanging on!!”

Sex Pill

There’s a new erection pill on the market that’s suppose to be ten times stronger than Viagra!

It’s called Mydicksadrill.

Bank Robber

A man walks into a Bank, gets in line, and when it was his turn he pulls out a gun ...and robs the Bank!

But just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line. Did you see me rob this Bank? The customer replies...YES!

The bank robber raises his gun POINTS IT TO HIS HEAD and BANG!!!!!... SHOOTS HIM IN THE HEAD AND KILLS HIM!

He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man: DID YOU SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?

The man calmly responds. No ...but my wife did!

Drunk Driver

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

“So,' says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?”

“Why, I've been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk.

“Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.”

“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.

“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.”

The Drunk

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!'