Funny Car Ad....

Man & Wife

A man says to his wife "tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time".

His wife replies "You've got a bigger dick than your brother"

Wife

I said to the wife, "I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' "

Heather Mills

What's the difference between Heather Mills and Northern Rock?

One has got £25 million, Is a bit wobbly and f*cks old people with lots of savings..

The other ones a building society.

HAPPY EASTER

Spending Spree

She has started spending the 25 million!!!!!!!

Parking

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me... "Oi, what's your disability?"

I said "Tourettes! Now f#ck off”

Depressed

I was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.

Got through to a call centre in Pakistan!.

Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......

Mother In Law

What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?


About 2.3 pounds including the urn.

Airport

Ryanair pilot flying into Manchester, the plane is in trouble!

So he radios the tower and says “Help, Easter Sunday, Pancake Tuesday, Boxing Day!”

A voice comes back “Paddy the word your fucking looking for is MAYDAY!”

Sperm Sample

A 95yr old man is given a jar to provide a sperm sample for analysis at the hospital. He turns up two days later with the empty jar.

The nurse asks “Why no sample?”

He says “sorry but I tried with my right hand, then my left. Then my wife tried with both her hands! Then her mouth, first with her teeth in then without.”

“Then we got Ethel from next door to try”
“But it was no good we just couldn’t get the fucking lid off the jar

Voted Best Scottish Joke

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv any books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,

'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'

David Blaine

Magician David Blaine was gutted yesterday when he found out his record of 44 days of doing fuck all in a box was smashed by over six months by Newcastle United's Michael Owen.

Car Crash

I rear-ended a car this morning, on the way to work .....

I tell you, I knew right then and there that it was going to be a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and wouldn't you know it!

He was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said, "I'm NOT fucking happy!"

So I said, "Which fucking one ARE you then?"


That's how the fight started. ...