Scottish Drink Drive Test

BLONDE YEAR REVIEW

January-Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February-Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March-Got really excited....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said '2-4 years!'

April-Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May- Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June-Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July- Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August- Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.

September- The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October- Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November- Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December - Couldn't call 911 . 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!

Mirror Mirror

A woman is standing in front of the mirror and says to her husband “ I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment!”

He replies “Your eyesight is spot on!”

Ouch

Cuckoo Clock

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married:

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNITE!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem upset at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped Over the coffee table and farted."

The Gunslinger

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day.He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whisky. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whisky in the other.
The gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey, old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."
A small crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well, you old fool! You're gonna dance now," and started shooting near the old man's feet. The old prospector just stood there, never moved and everybody was laughing.
When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to."

Phone Home

RRRiiiiinnnnggg, RRRiiiinnnngg,

'Hello?'

Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'

'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

After a brief pause, Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'

'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now.'

Brief Pause. 'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy, That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway '

'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'

A few minutes later The little girl comes back to the phone.

'I did it, Daddy.'

'And what happened, honey?' He asked.

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser And now she isn't moving at all!'

'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'

'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'

Long Pause Longer Pause Even Longer Pause

Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool? ...........Is this 0208 4865731?'

No, I think you have the wrong number.......

Jack & Jill

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side "When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large."I told her, "of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will." Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them. "Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that."
Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. "I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack.

"Exactly," replied Jill. "And If you don't change your fucking attitude, you never will."

Biscuits

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite biscuits wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite biscuits, freshly baked. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in crumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.............

"F**k off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

Check Up

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.' I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. "So what do you think about that Doc?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."
One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'." "Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."