Brilliant

Wet Dream

A guy says to his wife "I had a wet dream about you last night"

"Really what happened?" asks the wife.

"you got hit by a bus & I pissed myself laughing!"

Heirloom

Paddy drags a huge metal box to the Antiques Roadshow in Dublin.

"Where did you get this from?" ask the expert.

"It's been in my loft for the last 40 years, you think it's a heirloom?" says Paddy

"Do you have insurance?"

"No should I ?" replies Paddy

"Yeah" says the expert "It's your fucking water tank?"

Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the Tax Office. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate £10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

Golf Round

Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden, POOF!




In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.



She said, 'I'm Mother Nature!



Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?



Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life.



Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.



As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!'

Then POOF! She was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend,



'Fred, where are you?'

Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussywillows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred


FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!'