Clitoris

Q: What is the medical term for the fatty tissue surrounding the clitoris?

A: The wife!

Tesco

I was at Tesco this afternoon, when a lady dropped dead in front of me.

I felt really sorry for her - she had just bought a Bag for Life.

Twins

A friend of mine says he is shagging twins. I said, 'How can you tell the difference?'

He said 'the brother has got a moustache!’

Panto

A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homosexuals descended into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted, 'He's behind you!'

The Penis Song

Three Dogs

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when
they struck up a conversation.

The Yellow Labrador turned to the Chocolate Labrador and said, 'So, why are you here?'The Chocolate Lab replied, 'I'm a pisser. I piss on everything . . . the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed. The Yellow Lab said, 'So what is the vet going to do?''Gonna cut my nuts off,' came the reply from the Chocolate Lab. 'They reckon it'll calm me down.

'The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Labrador and asked, 'Why are you here?'The Black Lab said, 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch.''So what are they going to do to you?' the Yellow Lab inquired.'Looks like I'm losing my nuts, too', the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked, 'Why are you here?''I'm a humper,' the Yellow Lab said. 'I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away'.
The Black and the Chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, 'So, nuts off for you too, huh?'

The Yellow Lab said, 'No, I'm here to get my nails clipped!