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Going to Heaven

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven .. which part of your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.' 'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first . ' !
'
What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your legs.'

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?'

Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.'

The nun fainted

Nun & Hippy

A hippy gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"
"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippy and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"
"Yeah?", says the hippy."Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippy decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night."I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me."The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.'

God agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish."Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippy!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!

Quote of the Day

Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.

Flip Flops

Murphy

A family driving through Dublin are lost. They stop Murphy and ask him which is the quickest way to the city centre.

Murphy asks “are ye drive or walkin?”

The dad of the family says “driving”

Murphy says “yeah that’s the quickest way!”

Speed Limits

You may hate paedophiles but at least they drive passed schools slowly.

Transfer News

BREAKING TRANSFER NEWS--- Manchester City have sold Shaun Wright-Philips to Madonna