MERRY XMAS FROM SHACKS

At Mass

An elderly couple is attending Mass.

About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

Wife

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment."

He replies, "Your eyesight is perfect."

Love Juice

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.

Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, "Dad, what's love juice?"

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.

Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad says, "So what were you watching?"

Billy says, " Wimbledon ."

LSD

A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?"

Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"

New Camera

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.