Question

A Serious Question.........

How many people have ever seen a Chinese funeral?

I haven't and none of my friends or family have, so this leads me to believe that either they live forever or sometimes we just don't get what we order!

Blonde Mortician

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'


'So I just switched the heads.'

Olympics

Watching the Olympics last night and I wondered to myself is there anything the Chinese aren’t good at.

Then I remembered …………. Cocklepicking.

Every Mans Dream

Every Man's Dream-
Daughter on the cover of Vogue
Son on the cover of Sporting Life
Mistress on the cover of Playboy
And the Wife on the cover of Missing Persons............

Dublin to Cork

Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks the quickest way to Cork

Paddy says "Are you on foot or in the car?"

Billy replies " In the car"

Paddy says "thats the quickest way!"

Billy Elliott...........Think Not

Drunk Man

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the front door.The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, is standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. 'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it’s 3:00 in the morning!' He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife. 'Just some drunk asking for a push,' he answers.'Did you help him?' she asks. 'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it’s pouring with rain out there!

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?' 'Yes,' comes back the answer. 'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.’ Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark. 'Where are you?' asks the husband

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

Vegtables

Anyone who says onions are the only veg that make you cry has never been hit in the face with a turnip!

Olympics

I was in Liverpool at the weekend and I see they're practicing for the Olympics.

There were loads of people wandering around in tracksuits struggling to speak English.