Nurse

A nurse walks into a bank.
Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

She looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing beat, says, “Well, that's great..........that's really great........Some ass hole's got my pen.”

Wood Pecker

A Hawaiian woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Hawaiian woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The California woodpecker accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.

The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely un-peckable. The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence he could do it, so accepted the challenge. After flying to California , the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.

The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the California woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the California tree, but neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?

After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

River Mersey

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.' He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. ;She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.

After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey!

Italian

A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says,"No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."

Aussie Baby

A West Aussie who is working on contract for 3 months in the UK is drinking in a local pub in England and gets a call on his mobile. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, he orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, because he announces that his wife back home has just produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the West Aussie just shrugs "That's about average in WA. Like I said, my boy is a typical West Aussie baby boy. "

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "Christ almighty" are heard. One woman even faints from sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the West Aussie returns to the bar.

The bartender recognises him and says "Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks. We were going to call you. So, how much does he weigh now? "

The proud father answers, "17 pounds." The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."

The West Aussie father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans on the bar and proudly replies "Had him circumcised, mate"

Vibrator

A mother hears a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom, so she opens the door and finds her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

"What the hell are you doing?" the mom asks.

"I'm 35 and I still live at home with my parents. This is the closest I'll ever get to having a husband," replies the daughter.

Later that same week the father hears the humming noise and finds his daughter with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm 35 and I still live at home with my parents. This is the closest I'll ever get to having a husband," replies the daughter.

A few days later the mother hears the humming noise coming from the den, so she bursts into the room (quite annoyed) and is surprised to see her husband sitting on the couch, watching TV with the vibrator buzzing away next to him.

"What in God's name are you doing?" she asks.

"Watching the game with my son-in-law!"

Liverpool

In a recent survey in Liverpool 86% of people admitted to having sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they had not been to prison

Archbishop

The Archbishop of Canterbury has finally got his way...


British weather has been declared Muslim...

It's partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.