Lady Of The Night

A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. "Ten quid for a quickie," she says.

He'd never been with a woman like this before, but he decides what the heck it's only ten quid. They're getting friendly for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."

Ouch

Bed Sheets

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them outthe hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing,and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet,staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the hell is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

Fishing

A man says to his wife "Get ready, you me and the dog are going fishing."

Wife replies "I don't want to go."

Man gives her 3 choices. Fishing, blowjob or take it up the arse.

Wife picks blow job. After sucking it she says it tastes like shit.

He says "I know, the dog didn't want to go fishing either!!"

Know Your Place

Finally, a woman who knows her place
Barbara Walters of Television's 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walter's vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?" The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation, said, "Land Mines."

Threesome

I met an older woman at a club last night.

She was OK for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a song & she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter three-some?

I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.I went back to her place.

She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:"Mom you still awake?"

STAY OFF THE POLE

LOVE IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL

Jim and Edna were both patients in a state-run mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered Edna to be discharged from the hospital, as due to her quick thinking and selfless act of heroism, she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.

When the Head Nurse went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you are being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another that you have a sound mind.
The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

New Priests

12 priests were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them all to stand in a line, totally nude, while a big-breasted model danced topless before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his private parts, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang while she danced in front of them would not be ordained, because they had not reached a true state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, but got no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests, until she got to the final one whose name was Carlos.

As she danced in front of him, his bell ring so loudly that it flew off clattering to the ground.

Embarrassed, Carlos took a step forward and bent over to pick it up.

Suddenly, all the other bells started to ring and all hell broke loose!

New Husband

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'Rang the doorbell, didn't I?'

Scottish Police

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!Glasgow cop says," License and registration, please."London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the fuck out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

Strathclydes finest

Men Shouldn't Iron

Needs sound Double Click Play.

Little Tony

Little Tony goes to school, and teacher says, “Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?”

Tony says “mas-tur-bate”

Miss Rogers smiles and says “WOW, Tony that’s a mouthful”

Little tony says “No Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a blowjob!!”

Maths class

Little Tony returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

“Why?” asks father.

“The teacher asked “ How much is 2x3 and I said 6” replies Tony.

“But that’s right!” said dad.

“Yeah, but then she asked me how much is 3x2?”

“What’s the fucking difference?” asks the father.

“That’s what I said!!”

SHIT The Husband is HOME

Confession

There once was a religious young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven Lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your bloody Face '

Penance

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his Priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Funny Parrot

Needs sound double click play.

Taliban

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through Afghanistan
Desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find
Water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jew at a
Small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jew replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need
Water!
I should kill you, but I must find water first."

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy
A tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will
Find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need.
Shalom."

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back.

"Your fucking brother won't let me in without a tie."