Sunburn

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital,and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding withsaline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor"?

The doctor replied, "Well, it won't do anything for the sunburn, but it'll keep the sheets up off his legs."

Turned on

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, The woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed."Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, " I found the remote."

Say Cheese

Sex Shop

A bloke goes into a sex shop and asks for a inflatable doll.

Shop keeper says “male or female?”

Bloke replies “female”

Shop keeper “black or white?”

Bloke “white”

Shop keeper asks “ Christian or Muslim?”

Bloke replies “what the hell has religion got to do with it?”

Shop keeper answers “the muslim blows itself up!”

Sad life of a penis.

My hairs a mess, my relatives are nuts, my neighbour is an arsehole.

My best friend is a cunt and my owner is a wanker!

Fat Bird

Twenty stone woman complains to her husband that they are going to a fancy dress party and she has nothing to wear.

No problem the husband replies, just pull your pissflaps over your head and you can go as a sugar puff!!!!!