BAD HAIR DAY

Shopping

A very unattractive, mean acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids.

After shoving her way past several customers waiting to get carts, she says to the Wal-Mart greeter, "Go through those carts and find me one that doesn't need oiling for once! you useless idiot"

"Yes Ma'am, happy to oblige," says the Greeter, and goes and picks out a cart for her. "Here you are, Ma'am, hope this one is okay," he says.

"If you'd get out of my way, maybe I could find out!" snaps the woman.

"Sorry, Ma'am," the Greeter says, standing aside, "And you and the twins have a nice day."

The woman snarls, "They're not twins, you moron! They don't even look alike."

The greeter smiles, "No they don't Ma'am. I just couldn't believe an ugly bitch like you got laid twice."

Whats?

Q: What's the speed limit of sex?

A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Whats?

Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?

A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

SMILE..!!!!!!

What?

Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?

A: Beat it - we're closed.

What Do You?

Q:What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?

A: A cherry float.

The Pharmacist

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacists eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy". I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, and they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacists wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, hell, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

SUPER HERO'S

Why is?

Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?

A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

Whats?

Q: What's the definition of macho?

A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Why Do?

Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?>>>

A: To find a tight seal.

Skiing

There were three men camping at in a tent in a farmer’s field. In the morning the three men told each other what they had dreamt the
night before-

The one on the left said "I dreamt that someone was pulling my knob
all night”

The one on the right said "I also dreamt someone was pulling my knob
night”

The one in the middle said "I dreamt I was skiing."

Hands Free

What do you do?

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Why Do?

Why do men fart more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

How Do?

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

How Do?

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

Why?

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Why is?

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

How Many?

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.