Paddy & Mick

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.

It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!

Grandma

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it. The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle... it makes your nose look too short. Love, Grandma"

They Walk Among Us

I stopped at Mc Donalds and ordered some fries.

The girl behind the counter said would you like some fries with that?

German

A German walks into a library and ask for a book on war.

The librarian says "Fuck off you lost the last two".

i Pad

I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realising that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

Another Quiz Question

One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells.

It appears that Scousers and Pikeys is not the correct answer

Pub Quiz

In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point.

The question was where do women mostly have curly hair?

Apparently, it's Africa

Grandpa

My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall.......... He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The guard asked, "What's his name?"

"Grandpa" The guard smiled then asked, "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big tits."

Tea Bag

Apparently the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag.

So every morning I slap the wife on the arse and say "2 sugars fatty"

Suicide

After both suffering depression for a while the wife & I were going to commit suicide yesterday.

But strangely enough once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better, so I thought foook it, soldier on!!

Lift

I farted in a lift...

It was wrong on so many levels.

Dragons Den

I went on Dragons Den the other night and showed them my dads old shotgun.

Peter Jones said " and whats your idea?"

I replied "it's a simple concept Peter, just put the money in the f***ing bag!"!

Brilliant

Kind permission of Dai Ransom

Heaven

Sharks

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better with their intestines cleaned out!"

Tommy

Teacher says to little Tommy 'Why weren't you at school yesterday?'

Tommy says 'My grandfather got burnt'

Teacher says 'Badly?'

Little Tommysays ' Yes, they don't f*ck about at the crematorium.'

New Bike

Boy comes home and tells his parents he has just had sex for the firsttime.The proud Dad says 'I'll buy you a bike to celebrate, but you will have towait until next pay day"

the boy replies 'that's alright Dad, my arse is too sore to ride it anyway'