Towel

Some years ago Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie half his age, in a small coastal village.

After several months Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women at entitled to climax once and a while.

So to resolve the matter they went to see the Vet since there was no trustworthy Doctor in the village. The vet didn't have a clue but he recall how during a very hot summer, his mother & father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having trouble breeding. This would cool her down and help her relax.

So the vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they had sex. This the vet said would cause the young wife to cool down, relax and climax.

So the couple hired a young strong man. After many efforts Maggie had still not climaxed so they went back to the vet. The vet said change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after another for about 2 hours.

When it was over Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said "and that my son is how you wave a fuckin towel"

Pickle Slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory, he had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife he had a terrible complusion.

He had the urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested he went to see a sex therapist and talk about it, but Bill Bill said he would be to embarrassed and he vowed to overcome his complusion by himself.

Only a few weeks later Bill came home and his wife could see at once something was seriously wrong.

"Whats up Bill?" she asks.

"Do you remember that I told you that I had this tremendous urge to put my penis in the pickle slicer?"

"Oh Bill you didn't?" she exclaimed.

"Yes I did" he replied.

"Oh my God what happened?" she asked

"I got fired!"

"No Bill, what happened to the pickle slicer?"

"O..... she got fired too!" he replied.

The Loving Husband

A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?"He says,

"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral."

Blonde Wife

A blonde wife is painting the house, her husband walks in and cant believe she is doing so well. But to his suprise the sweat is dripping off her.

He asks "why are you wearing a leather jacket & a anorak?"

She says " HELLO, read the fucking tin! it says for best results put on 2 coats!"

Fanny Licking Frog

Women sees a sign in a pet shop window-

Fanny Licking Frog £25.

In she goes "I'd like to see a fanny licking frog please"

The man behind the counter says "BONJOUR!"

Photocopier

Going to Heaven

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven .. which part of your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.' 'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first . ' !
'
What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your legs.'

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?'

Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.'

The nun fainted

Nun & Hippy

A hippy gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"
"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippy and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"
"Yeah?", says the hippy."Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippy decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night."I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me."The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.'

God agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish."Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippy!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!

Quote of the Day

Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.

Flip Flops

Murphy

A family driving through Dublin are lost. They stop Murphy and ask him which is the quickest way to the city centre.

Murphy asks “are ye drive or walkin?”

The dad of the family says “driving”

Murphy says “yeah that’s the quickest way!”

Speed Limits

You may hate paedophiles but at least they drive passed schools slowly.

Transfer News

BREAKING TRANSFER NEWS--- Manchester City have sold Shaun Wright-Philips to Madonna

Honey Loops

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first Year schoolchildren, using a bowl of Fruit Loops, the cereal with the Hole in it.

He gave all the children the same kind of loop, one at a time, and Asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.
The children began To say:
'Red............cherry,'
'Yellow.........lemon,'
'Green..........lime, '
'Orange ........orange.'

Finally the professor gave them all 'honey' loops. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could Identify the taste.

'Well,' he said 'I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may Sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled: 'Oh My God!!!! They're arse-holes !!'

Blondes

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Men never learn.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think!