Scouser's Join Ferrari

"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."


This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.


It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.


However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.

Arrest

A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.

She tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you..."

The drunk says, "Tits."

Ronaldo Leaves Utd

Clitoris

Q: What is the medical term for the fatty tissue surrounding the clitoris?

A: The wife!

Tesco

I was at Tesco this afternoon, when a lady dropped dead in front of me.

I felt really sorry for her - she had just bought a Bag for Life.

Twins

A friend of mine says he is shagging twins. I said, 'How can you tell the difference?'

He said 'the brother has got a moustache!’

Panto

A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homosexuals descended into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted, 'He's behind you!'

The Penis Song

Three Dogs

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when
they struck up a conversation.

The Yellow Labrador turned to the Chocolate Labrador and said, 'So, why are you here?'The Chocolate Lab replied, 'I'm a pisser. I piss on everything . . . the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed. The Yellow Lab said, 'So what is the vet going to do?''Gonna cut my nuts off,' came the reply from the Chocolate Lab. 'They reckon it'll calm me down.

'The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Labrador and asked, 'Why are you here?'The Black Lab said, 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch.''So what are they going to do to you?' the Yellow Lab inquired.'Looks like I'm losing my nuts, too', the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked, 'Why are you here?''I'm a humper,' the Yellow Lab said. 'I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away'.
The Black and the Chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, 'So, nuts off for you too, huh?'

The Yellow Lab said, 'No, I'm here to get my nails clipped!

Teacher

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

Bikers Bar

A drunken man walks into a bikers bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:

'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
#
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad bikie and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'

The bikie's buddies are starting to get really mad but the bikie still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'

At this point the bikie stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulderslooks him square in the eyes and says.....................
'Grandpa;....... Go home! You're bloody drunk.' . .

Old Biker

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker."Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

Deer Gag

This is brilliant..

Three Naked Black Men

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies,but the one in the middle had a pink willie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of blackmen in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact, 'he pointed out, some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'

After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners."

"The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

Medical Students.

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him:
"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was GAS......................But I was wrong,too!"

Alright Granny

Blonde Wife

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone,
listened a moment and said "How should I know,
that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know,
some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

Tarzan

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex ?



'Tarzan not know sex' he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said ' Oh,.....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'



Horrified Jane said, 'Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.



' She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.



'Here' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'



Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!



Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.



Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed 'What did you do that for?'



Tarzan replied, "check for squirrel..