Belated Happy New Year

Sorry work, family & life has been hetic this last 12 months so hopefully I will start posting again.

Anal

I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal.
Dyslexic bitch , it turns out that she loves Alan, my best friend……

Wife

wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate. I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock.

Nerves

The human body has 7 trillion nerves.......my wife manages to get on every fucking one of them.

Hmmmm

The son of an illegal immigrant asks his dad, "Dad, what's democracy?"

"Well, son, that's when the British work and we get all the benefits from it!"

"But Dad, aren't the people unhappy about that?"

"Sure they are son, but that's called 'racism.'"

Stress

Petrol Station

Irish Petrol Station

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Every Fill-Up.'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and said that if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were very close, the lucky number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up.

Again Paddy asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3, you were very close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all.'

Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick. My wife won twice last week.'

I'm Back

Hi folks, I'm back been bogged down with work. Will start posting again.

Paddy & Mick

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.

It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!

Grandma

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it. The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle... it makes your nose look too short. Love, Grandma"

They Walk Among Us

I stopped at Mc Donalds and ordered some fries.

The girl behind the counter said would you like some fries with that?

Bacup????

German

A German walks into a library and ask for a book on war.

The librarian says "Fuck off you lost the last two".

i Pad

I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realising that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

Another Quiz Question

One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells.

It appears that Scousers and Pikeys is not the correct answer

Pub Quiz

In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point.

The question was where do women mostly have curly hair?

Apparently, it's Africa

Grandpa

My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall.......... He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The guard asked, "What's his name?"

"Grandpa" The guard smiled then asked, "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big tits."