Shacks Joke Pad

Paddy & Mick

2011-10-22T11:13:00.001Z

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.

It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!

Grandma

2011-10-22T11:08:00.000Z

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it. The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle... it makes your nose look too short. Love, Grandma"

They Walk Among Us

2011-10-22T11:07:00.000Z

I stopped at Mc Donalds and ordered some fries.

The girl behind the counter said would you like some fries with that?

2011-07-21T17:33:00.001Z

German

2011-06-29T21:45:00.001Z

A German walks into a library and ask for a book on war.

The librarian says "Fuck off you lost the last two".

i Pad

2011-06-28T20:22:00.000Z

I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realising that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

Another Quiz Question

2011-06-28T20:21:00.001Z

One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells.

It appears that Scousers and Pikeys is not the correct answer

Pub Quiz

2011-06-28T20:19:00.001Z

In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point.

The question was where do women mostly have curly hair?

Apparently, it's Africa

Grandpa

2011-06-28T20:08:00.000Z

My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall.......... He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The guard asked, "What's his name?"

"Grandpa" The guard smiled then asked, "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big tits."

2011-02-28T22:51:00.001Z

Tea Bag

2011-02-02T06:58:00.001Z

Apparently the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag.

So every morning I slap the wife on the arse and say "2 sugars fatty"

Suicide

2011-02-02T06:56:00.000Z

After both suffering depression for a while the wife & I were going to commit suicide yesterday.

But strangely enough once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better, so I thought foook it, soldier on!!

Lift

2010-11-08T21:42:00.001Z

I farted in a lift...

It was wrong on so many levels.

Dragons Den

2010-11-08T21:38:00.002Z

I went on Dragons Den the other night and showed them my dads old shotgun.

Peter Jones said " and whats your idea?"

I replied "it's a simple concept Peter, just put the money in the f***ing bag!"!

Brilliant

2010-10-09T09:08:00.002Z

Kind permission of Dai Ransom

Heaven

2010-08-30T19:58:00.002Z

Sharks

2010-08-30T19:57:00.001Z

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better with their intestines cleaned out!"

Tommy

2010-07-07T21:20:00.000Z

Teacher says to little Tommy 'Why weren't you at school yesterday?'

Tommy says 'My grandfather got burnt'

Teacher says 'Badly?'

Little Tommysays ' Yes, they don't f*ck about at the crematorium.'

New Bike

2010-07-07T21:19:00.001Z

Boy comes home and tells his parents he has just had sex for the firsttime.The proud Dad says 'I'll buy you a bike to celebrate, but you will have towait until next pay day"

the boy replies 'that's alright Dad, my arse is too sore to ride it anyway'

John Terry...

2010-06-15T05:28:00.001Z

Why didn't John Terry shag Robert Green's missus????????

3D TV

2010-06-02T07:55:00.001Z

These 3D tv's are really realistic, I nodded off watching a liverpool match and when I woke up my wallet was gone.

Brilliant

2010-04-25T22:31:00.002Z

Wet Dream

2010-04-25T18:47:00.002Z

A guy says to his wife "I had a wet dream about you last night"

"Really what happened?" asks the wife.

"you got hit by a bus & I pissed myself laughing!"

Heirloom

2010-04-25T18:43:00.002Z

Paddy drags a huge metal box to the Antiques Roadshow in Dublin.

"Where did you get this from?" ask the expert.

"It's been in my loft for the last 40 years, you think it's a heirloom?" says Paddy

"Do you have insurance?"

"No should I ?" replies Paddy

"Yeah" says the expert "It's your fucking water tank?"

2010-04-24T10:45:00.002Z

Donation

2010-04-15T22:12:00.002Z

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the Tax Office. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate £10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

Golf Round

2010-04-11T08:33:00.000Z

Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden, POOF!

In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, 'I'm Mother Nature!

Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?

Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life.

Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.

As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!'

Then POOF! She was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend,

'Fred, where are you?'

Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussywillows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!'

Airport Scanner

2010-03-22T22:16:00.000Z

Essex Girl

2010-03-22T22:15:00.001Z

Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, 'How dare you call me a
slapper, get out of my bed right now and take your f****ing mates with you'

Hmmmmmmm

2010-03-22T22:14:00.000Z

What is the medical term for the fatty tissue surrounding the clitoris?

The wife.

Stand Up

2010-03-22T22:12:00.002Z

Had my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's home last
night.

They didn't get any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves.

Un PC

2010-03-22T22:12:00.001Z

Boy comes home and tells his parents he has just had sex for the first
time.

The proud Dad says 'I'll buy you a bike to celebrate, but you will have to
wait until next pay day"

the boy replies 'that's alright Dad, my arse is too sore to ride it anyway'

2010-02-13T10:42:00.002Z

First Gig

2010-02-13T10:41:00.000Z

Had my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's home last
night.

They didn't get any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves.

First Time

2010-02-13T10:40:00.000Z

Boy comes home and tells his parents he has just had sex for the first
time.

The proud Dad says 'I'll buy you a bike to celebrate, but you will have to
wait until next pay day"

the boy replies 'that's alright Dad, my arse is too sore to ride it anyway'

Little Larry

2010-02-13T10:26:00.001Z

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked.

'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

Little Larry

2010-02-13T10:25:00.001Z

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'

After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?'

'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!

2010-01-28T20:44:00.001Z

Doctor

2010-01-28T20:43:00.000Z

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the

Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers

the urologist is a very attractive female doctor.

The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate

today, but this new procedure is a little different from what

you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side,

bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a

deep breath and say, '99'.

The guy obeys and says, '99'!

The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on your left side and

again, while I repeat the check, please take a deep breath

and say, '99.'

Again, the guy says, '99.'

The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on

your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check

your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm

going to hold on to your penis and your testicles to keep

them out of the way.

Now take a deep breath and say, '99.'

The guy begins, 'One .....................Two .......................Three.....’

Wind up in Walmart....

2010-01-01T12:38:00.002Z

Scouser

2010-01-01T12:32:00.002Z

A scouser walks into the job centre, marches up to the counter and say's "Hi I'm looking for a job"

The man behind the counter replies " Well weve just got a listing from a wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho duaghter. You'll have to drive around in a merceded, uniform provided. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided and you'll also be required to escort the job lady on holiday. The salary is 200k a years".

The scousers says "Your bullshitting me !"

"Well you fucking started it!" replies the man.....

Two Blokes In A Pub

2010-01-01T12:29:00.003Z

Two blokes in a pub and one says to the other " I screwed your mum!"

The other bloke doesn't reply.

Again he shouts "I shagged your mum!"

The whole bar turns around to watch/ The other bloke says " Go home dad your pissed!"

Whats????

2010-01-01T12:26:00.001Z

What is three foot long and keeps a cunt warm??

Blackburn Rovers Scarf!!!!!!

2 Rats

2010-01-01T12:23:00.002Z

Two rats in a sewer are talking to each other. One says to the other " I'm sick of eating this shit".

The other rats says, "it's ok I've spoken to the lads were on the piss tomorrow!"

MERRY CHRISTMAS

2009-12-26T13:38:00.001Z

ALL THE BEST FOR CHRISTMAS & 2010 Regards Shacks

Sweaty Arse

2009-12-20T19:47:00.001Z

Christmas

2009-12-09T22:31:00.001Z

What does a Scottish epileptic kid have for christmas? A wii fit...

Laptop

2009-12-09T22:28:00.002Z

Women complain about balancing a career and a home life.......... they want to try balancing a laptop while having a wank.

Scouser's Join Ferrari

2009-11-09T11:27:00.001Z

"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.

Arrest

2009-11-09T09:49:00.000Z

A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.

She tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you..."

The drunk says, "Tits."

Ronaldo Leaves Utd

2009-10-07T12:17:00.002Z

Clitoris

2009-09-21T17:45:00.001Z

Q: What is the medical term for the fatty tissue surrounding the clitoris?

A: The wife!

Tesco

2009-09-21T17:44:00.002Z

I was at Tesco this afternoon, when a lady dropped dead in front of me.

I felt really sorry for her - she had just bought a Bag for Life.

Twins

2009-09-21T17:44:00.001Z

A friend of mine says he is shagging twins. I said, 'How can you tell the difference?'

He said 'the brother has got a moustache!’

Panto

2009-09-21T17:43:00.001Z

A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homosexuals descended into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted, 'He's behind you!'

The Penis Song

2009-09-10T12:09:00.002Z

Three Dogs

2009-09-07T20:22:00.000Z

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when
they struck up a conversation.

The Yellow Labrador turned to the Chocolate Labrador and said, 'So, why are you here?'The Chocolate Lab replied, 'I'm a pisser. I piss on everything . . . the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed. The Yellow Lab said, 'So what is the vet going to do?''Gonna cut my nuts off,' came the reply from the Chocolate Lab. 'They reckon it'll calm me down.

'The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Labrador and asked, 'Why are you here?'The Black Lab said, 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch.''So what are they going to do to you?' the Yellow Lab inquired.'Looks like I'm losing my nuts, too', the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked, 'Why are you here?''I'm a humper,' the Yellow Lab said. 'I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away'.
The Black and the Chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, 'So, nuts off for you too, huh?'

The Yellow Lab said, 'No, I'm here to get my nails clipped!

Teacher

2009-08-30T09:32:00.000Z

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

2009-08-30T09:27:00.001Z

Bikers Bar

2009-08-15T14:38:00.000Z

A drunken man walks into a bikers bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:

'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
#
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad bikie and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'

The bikie's buddies are starting to get really mad but the bikie still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'

At this point the bikie stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulderslooks him square in the eyes and says.....................
'Grandpa;....... Go home! You're bloody drunk.' . .

Old Biker

2009-08-15T14:36:00.000Z

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker."Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

Deer Gag

2009-08-10T21:04:00.002Z

This is brilliant..

Three Naked Black Men

2009-08-04T13:35:00.002Z

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies,but the one in the middle had a pink willie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of blackmen in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact, 'he pointed out, some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'

After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners."

"The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

Medical Students.

2009-08-04T13:29:00.002Z

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him:
"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was GAS......................But I was wrong,too!"

Alright Granny

2009-07-19T18:45:00.002Z

Blonde Wife

2009-07-19T18:45:00.001Z

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone,
listened a moment and said "How should I know,
that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know,
some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

Tarzan

2009-07-19T18:44:00.001Z

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex ?

'Tarzan not know sex' he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said ' Oh,.....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'

Horrified Jane said, 'Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.

' She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.

'Here' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed 'What did you do that for?'

Tarzan replied, "check for squirrel..

Towel

2009-07-01T22:05:00.002Z

Some years ago Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie half his age, in a small coastal village.

After several months Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women at entitled to climax once and a while.

So to resolve the matter they went to see the Vet since there was no trustworthy Doctor in the village. The vet didn't have a clue but he recall how during a very hot summer, his mother & father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having trouble breeding. This would cool her down and help her relax.

So the vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they had sex. This the vet said would cause the young wife to cool down, relax and climax.

So the couple hired a young strong man. After many efforts Maggie had still not climaxed so they went back to the vet. The vet said change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after another for about 2 hours.

When it was over Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said "and that my son is how you wave a fuckin towel"

2009-06-25T13:19:00.001Z

Pickle Slicer

2009-06-17T15:27:00.002Z

Bill worked in a pickle factory, he had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife he had a terrible complusion.

He had the urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested he went to see a sex therapist and talk about it, but Bill Bill said he would be to embarrassed and he vowed to overcome his complusion by himself.

Only a few weeks later Bill came home and his wife could see at once something was seriously wrong.

"Whats up Bill?" she asks.

"Do you remember that I told you that I had this tremendous urge to put my penis in the pickle slicer?"

"Oh Bill you didn't?" she exclaimed.

"Yes I did" he replied.

"Oh my God what happened?" she asked

"I got fired!"

"No Bill, what happened to the pickle slicer?"

"O..... she got fired too!" he replied.

The Loving Husband

2009-05-26T21:52:00.001Z

A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?"He says,

"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral."

2009-05-13T21:44:00.000Z

Blonde Wife

2009-05-13T21:41:00.002Z

A blonde wife is painting the house, her husband walks in and cant believe she is doing so well. But to his suprise the sweat is dripping off her.

He asks "why are you wearing a leather jacket & a anorak?"

She says " HELLO, read the fucking tin! it says for best results put on 2 coats!"

Fanny Licking Frog

2009-05-13T21:36:00.002Z

Women sees a sign in a pet shop window-

Fanny Licking Frog £25.

In she goes "I'd like to see a fanny licking frog please"

The man behind the counter says "BONJOUR!"

Photocopier

2009-04-23T19:50:00.002Z

Going to Heaven

2009-04-23T19:47:00.000Z

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven .. which part of your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.' 'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first . ' !
'
What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your legs.'

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?'

Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.'

The nun fainted

Nun & Hippy

2009-04-21T14:29:00.001Z

A hippy gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"
"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippy and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"
"Yeah?", says the hippy."Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippy decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night."I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me."The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.'

God agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish."Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippy!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!

Quote of the Day

2009-04-06T15:27:00.000Z

Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.

Flip Flops

2009-04-03T07:56:00.002Z

Murphy

2009-04-03T07:55:00.001Z

A family driving through Dublin are lost. They stop Murphy and ask him which is the quickest way to the city centre.

Murphy asks “are ye drive or walkin?”

The dad of the family says “driving”

Murphy says “yeah that’s the quickest way!”

Speed Limits

2009-04-03T07:54:00.002Z

You may hate paedophiles but at least they drive passed schools slowly.

Transfer News

2009-04-03T07:54:00.001Z

BREAKING TRANSFER NEWS--- Manchester City have sold Shaun Wright-Philips to Madonna

2009-03-29T22:04:00.001Z

Honey Loops

2009-03-29T21:58:00.001Z

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first Year schoolchildren, using a bowl of Fruit Loops, the cereal with the Hole in it.

He gave all the children the same kind of loop, one at a time, and Asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.
The children began To say:
'Red............cherry,'
'Yellow.........lemon,'
'Green..........lime, '
'Orange ........orange.'

Finally the professor gave them all 'honey' loops. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could Identify the taste.

'Well,' he said 'I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may Sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled: 'Oh My God!!!! They're arse-holes !!'

Blondes

2009-03-29T21:54:00.001Z

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Men never learn.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think!

You Cant Fix Stupid

2009-03-17T20:18:00.002Z

Women are Stupid??

2009-03-17T20:12:00.003Z

Taffy, Jock & Paddy are chatting.

Taffy says, "Women are so stupid, my wife has just bought a car and she can't even drive!"

Jock says, "Thats nothing my wife is on a diet and she is not even fat!"

Paddy says "Thats fuck all, My wife taken 30 condoms to Benidorm and she hasn't even got a cock!"

Sperm

2009-03-17T20:06:00.002Z

Two sperms swimming together, one say's to the other "is it far to the ovaries?"

The other say's "fucking miles we are only just past the tonsils!"

2009-03-17T20:05:00.001Z

In a recent survey 6 out 7 dwarves said they were not happy.

Toothbrush

2009-03-10T10:30:00.000Z

After 37 years of marriage my missus still gets upset if I use her toothbrush.

If you know a better way to get dog shit out of trainers, I’m all ears……

Thai Bribe

2009-03-10T10:27:00.000Z

Bloke lying in bed after sex with his new Thai wife.

She keeps stroking his penis.

He says “Do you like my penis that much?”

She says “No I just miss mine!”

Pancakes

2009-03-06T17:50:00.002Z

Golf

2009-03-06T17:48:00.000Z

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.The ball hit one of the men.He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken."

Aircraft Fuel

2009-03-06T17:45:00.000Z

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Melbourne.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.You wanna try it?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!Then the phone rings. It's Jim.

Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'

Jim says, 'I feel great, too... You don't have a hangover?'

Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.''
"Yeah, well there's just one thing.''

"What's that?''

"Have you farted yet?''

"No.''

"Well, DON'T, ' cause I'm in Perth.'

Wedding Night

2009-03-02T16:38:00.000Z

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.

She undresses & lies on the bed spread-eagled & says 'You know what I want don't you?'

'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'

Underpants

2009-02-19T10:41:00.001Z

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out. "April", he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?"

She replied with a snicker. "It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!!

Brilliant

2009-02-18T18:21:00.002Z

Taxi

2009-02-17T22:59:00.001Z

A women in a taxi lifts her skirt and shows the driver her minge and says “can I pay with this??”

Driver looks and replies “Fuck me love, have you nothing smaller!”

News

2009-02-17T22:56:00.000Z

13 yr old dad Alfie Patten as joined fathers for justice…. As he already as a Spiderman costume.

Name

2009-02-17T22:55:00.001Z

What do you call a chinese girl who can lick her own fanny??

Onelong Tong!!