Tight Pants

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.

Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"

The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

Police Work.

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

Blonde Joke

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute..."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

Rednecks

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder,

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.

Love You!

A man escapes from jail where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and a gun and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom.

While he's there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict. Just look at his clothes. He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."........

..... to which the wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you had a cute ass and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too."

DRIVING TEST

2 Spies

Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully slipped into the U.S.

The first spy starts speaking in Arabic.

The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers: "Don't blow our cover. You're in America now. Speak Spanish."

Drunk Man

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked," Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath.""Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

HE MUST BE RICH!!!!!!

Whats?

Q: What's the definition of macho?

A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

What's?

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?

A: You can sleep with a light on.

Why is?

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.